Frustrated

How can this be? I calorie count compulsively, consume between 1100 and 1600 cals per day (in aid of not hitting starvation mode), with the days where I consume are generally when I'm going to the gym, building up my running (I ran for 22 minutes today, this is nothing compared to many of you but I am deeply unfit). Yet still, I gain weight. I took my measurements after my gym session - 35-28-39. 39 inches around my hips? Really? I was 37 6 months ago!

I went to the doctors about changes to my bowel movements (I've always, despite having the "perfect" diet for it, been constipated, but now there's mucus and it's gross) and they asked me lots of questions...

Doctors
"Have you been losing weight?" - No, I've actually been gaining it despite trying to lose it and..
"OK, next question"


Seriously, isn't the fact that I've come in a few times about weight increasing and it's STILL happening a bad thing? I know that's not quite what you're looking for (ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease...) but pay attention!! I'm not stupid, I'm not shovelling my face with fast food, I'm not inactive and I'm eating a healthy range of foods! FFS!


Bottom of it is, I'm having blood tests to see if there's anything up with my system. I'm fairly sure they'll come back negative.


Since I'm leaving the country for a couple of months, I shall be socialising somewhat this week. GAH it always involves food! On the plus side - travelling = vomiting and diarrhoea and not able to eat when it's too hot and weight loss. Surely?

139.4

So being trapped due to the volcano meant I ate rubbish for a week (we're talking chocolate crunchy cakes and Dairy Milk Caramel... I don't even LIKE dairy milk chocolate!). Still, luckily I'd had a week of 1200, so I still lost slightly. God, my weight is atrocious, how have I gained since restarting the blog? Oh wait, I know, socialising and circumstances. DAMMIT.

It's become clear to me that I won't lose 10lbs in less than 2 weeks. I have started running in the gym (and going to the gym) again though, so that's a good sign. And having eaten a pile of crap for the last week has made me really really crave healthy food.

Herbal Medicine

Well, calories have been at around 1200 for the past two days and 950 for today, assuming I don't eat any more. I should be fine - I went to a herbal shop and bought two types of constipation relief (psyllium husk tablets and some weird fruit cubes). Of which I have had 3 fruit cubes (they recommend starting on a half and not going above one but my body is weirrrd) and 2 of the tablets. I now hvae a stomach ache. It had better not stop me watching Supersize vs Super Skinny, which is on in half an hour...

140.0

So I hardly exercised at home but kept cal intake to approx 1500 per day. Which given my obese-levels of consumption at Christmas/when revising, is not bad.

Nevertheless, I see 140.0 on the scales this morning. I was hoping to lose a few pounds at best, and maintain at worst. But a gain? Foolishly, I forgot on one day to take my pill, meaning that my overly erratic menstrual cycle kicked in and I've been on my period since. So I'm hoping it's that, rather than anything else.

New aim - 900 cals per day. Let's shock this bad boy body into action!

I have a short-term aim - I need to tone up and lose some weight by 21st April. So that's 10 days to lose. Big big big night out. Also, as I said before, I want to be at least 130 if not lower by 5th May. GAH I don't know if that's possible!

138.8

So Sunday's binge has been reduced by lots of walking, some workouts and eating less in the past 3 days than I did on that one day. Exactly the same weight. Right, so in 10 days time I need to be less. Like 5lbs less. In front of parents? Not easy. I've never lost that much weight that quickly. I shall go down as much as possible.

Good luck! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels - and by skinny, I mean the feeling of jutting hipbones. YES. We can get through this Easter! Reject that chocolate! Keep moving!

Froyo is awesome!

Well, it helps to have someone else to motivate you (by motivating themselves as well!). Flatmate and I did a fitness DVD workout, and ate not lots and made a healthy lentil stew for lunch tomorrow and calculated the calories.

I then went out for drinks and coffee with various people. To which I walked. 4.5 miles which could have been on the Underground. Score.

I did have some frozen yoghurt, because I didn't have dinner and it's low fat, low sugar, low cal. Snog in Covent Garden = expensive but SO GOOD. And infinitely better than any other crap I could have eaten.

753 calories for the day. I would say that's a win, particularly with the exercise.


Only problem - I'm off to the parents' tomorrow, where I shall not be updating or reading other blogs for at least 10 days. I shall also have trouble restricting/exercising too much. Send me lucky vibes, I need this! It'll be 1- days of "Oh you're looking well" (IE "you're looking FAT"). I want to look thin, so that people say "Oh you don't need to lose any weight, please eat!".

Solid

OK so today went well - 1000 cals pretty much exactly consumed. This is despite making cake and biscuits for the family (biscuits were crap so I threw them!). I am pleased with myself. Healthy dinner as well, lentils, fish, courgette and then a pear. I even did an exercise DVD with my flatmate.

Of course, it *is* Supersize vs SuperSkinny on in 40 minutes, which automatically means I want to eat more healthily... but I still think this is good.

I shall weigh in on Thursday morning, as I will be heading home to the parents' house. I then have 10 days away. In which I aim to lose, hard as it may be. Bring it. Ideally by then I shall be 134lbs at least. Fingers crossed!

Note to self - specific targets are good. 1000 cals is good.

Take a trip down to Binge City

So Sunday wound up being a humongous day of calories (I don't even know but it was over 2000), but I started again today, slowly and surely, 1000 cals. It helps, going to evening events and physically not being able to eat most of the food on offer (glass of OJ, some spears of asparagus, a couple of prawns.

Problem with evening events (or not) is when there are girls there who are taller and thinner than you. Then you really have a problem and feel bad about your usually less podgy body, just going through a fat phase, thankyou.

At some point I have to bake a cake to take home with me. I'll use the ingredients that I've got but I'll tell the family that it's got wheat in it. That means I won't eat it!

So tomorrow, day by day, aim by aim... eat 1000 cals max. DO IT.

Physically Sick

I hate how socialising always involves food. I'm assuming that the afternoon tea I ate yesterday was approx 1000 cals and the rest of the day was about 500. Which is not bad since I had to but I felt physically sick for most of the day and STILL ate in the evening.

138.0 on Saturday morning, 138.8 on Sunday. Makes no sense. I'm so fat these days. Just massive.

Off for Sunday lunch today. Again, socialising (different group of people). Will try to walk home and go to the gym. Will also go for no gravy, yorkshire puddings (I can't! Wheat wheat wheat) and no roast potatoes. Alternatively, if there's a salad on offer, I'd love it.

I have let myself go

I have. My course (now over, thank GOD) is over. Exams and revision and strrress and celebrating took its toll.

I now weigh approx 140 pounds. FUCK! How the hell can I gain that much? How can I gain so much without there being a medical problem (I checked. My thyroid is fine. I was hoping for the underactive thyroid so much, as wrong as that is)? How can I gain so much when I can't eat wheat and don't drink alcohol? I will weigh in properly tomorrow morning and gain some measurements.


I hate this. I hate it. Hence return. I don't know how much I will be able to blog. But I need to become accountable. I've been counting calories. Apparently 1500 per day does nothing for me. This weekend will be a struggle (afternoon tea tomorrow with a group and then a roast on Sunday. Thankfully I can avoid gravy and yorkshire puddings due to wheat and I shall just not have roast potatoes). Then I am off for a week and then bam. I have a month before going travelling. I shall lose then, for sure, btu I don't want to be a fatty before I go.



What I need is for food to cease mattering. For it to become a fuel, to not be a "treat". For me to stop when I am full. I can do this, I've done it before.