The End

I can't do this blog any more. People are noticing my food intake and to be honest... I can see my own head spiralling out of a place that's not normal, where food becomes the be all and end all. It's not!! It's not a big deal!!!

To that end, I'm going to think about it this weekend and then on Monday perhaps go to some sort of counselling.

Ladies, it's been a fun two weeks. You've got such support online here... I hope you achieve your goals but don't mess your heads up about it. Life's too short to never eat good food or to feel guilty about binging. I've seen photos of you, and honestly? You're all beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. With everything to live for and to enjoy. Please don't let food dominate your lives.

Goodbye.

Downwards spiral?

Calories today

Porridge 140
Probio 63
Cookie 55
Small sweet potato - 100
Tuna - 65

423, but I am feeling the need for something extra to get me through the afternoon. Something healthy, for sure.

Just feel really tired and run down. I need a nap but have too much to do!!! So no gym. I'd get there and be going at a really slow pace anyways. *sigh*. Hope you're all doing better than me!!!!!

Rest of Thursday

Dinner consisted of small portion cauliflower cheese (I don't even know... maybe 250?! The low cal one on weightlossresourse is 255, and my recipe was similar but with half-fat cheese), a couple of carrots in mustard (50), a pear with honey (60 - pears are lower cal than apples!!) and small bowl porridge (1 tsp oats cannot equal many, right? 30?). 873. That's ok. I really really do have to do something though, like gym or something!! Or fast... still think I'm too scared to do so though...

I have avoided the other cookies I made though, so they're still in there. My aim is to just ignore them. Ignore. Or rather "If I want, I can have one. I don't want, so no."

For a limited time only!!!!

Because I'm paranoid. And you don't need to be exposed to fatty untoned bits for more than 12 hours!!!

As you can see - bony arms and collar bone (these I like), no chest, flabby stomach and fat thighs.

That's a pear-shape, right there!!!


Collar bone!! Always visible though, even when I'm a lardass.

And I guess these photos are why people don't think I've lost weight. It's because I'm a fatty, so they're trying to make it so I carry on.

I will get thin legs. I WILL.




*EDIT* As you can see, removed. I should be getting my ass to the gym more. Thankyou for your comments though! They made me smile. ANd yeah, I do have the top half of a boney lady but effectively I'm a "fat-bottomed girl" (Queen would love it).

Thursday

I was going to go to the gym but my legs practically crashed out on me on my walk there!!! So I decided to conserve energy and go back home, where I am now and I am sooooo cold!!! It's not even that cold - I'm very confused.

Foodwise
Porridge - 140
Probio drink - 63
Diet coke = 0!! Haven't had one in yonks! So filling too!
Cabbage soup - 130, from ages ago
Prunes - 50?
Yog and honey - 100
-----
483. Pretty high. Be careful.


Oh I took photos earlier. Wow, my thighs are MASSIVE!!! I will post later, and then take 'em down.

How's your day going?

xoxo

Binge

DAMN. I knew baking was my downfall.

I ate like 5 of those chocolate cookies this evening I didn't even really want them. But I ate 2, then 3 a few hours later.

OK so they were low fat and probably no more than 250 cals on a low calorie day. But I'm still peeved. I was going to go to the gym tomorrow anyway and now I definitely have to.

GAH I am so annoyed at breaking this Lent promise!! I will never learn - I need to bake then NOT eat.

Fast info?

Right so I've had another cookie thing (I was giving them out at uni and thought it might be weird if I didn't have one...) and some lentil bake. 250 to add on, giving today at 721 thus far. I could have more, but I want to mix it up a bit, particularly given I had a few more calories on a few more days this week.
*EDIT* I got hungry. Going with the "listen to the body" thing I'm trying, I had some prunes (about 40) and a couple of small yet filling bowls of gruel (100). 861. Still good!! And I just watched Supersize v Super Skinny last night, the girl was orange!! And clearly had contorl issues with food. She ate 800 cals per day and weighed 6 stone 3 (87lbs), which was a BMI of 15.3. So small!! And far far too skinny. So I also figured that if she ate 800 cals per day and I was doing something similar (but more because I'm taller) then I'll probably also lose weight. Hoorah!

I'm thinking of maybe doing a fast on Friday?? I'm not a huge advocate of fasting but I know some of you ladies are. I was planning on maybe going to the gym then though, so might do it on Saturday instead (when I will be working instead...too much study leads to thinking about eating purely through boredom). I'd be worried it'd give me a totally false reading for weight on Sunday morning though... any advice? On fasting generally? I could always go buy a coffee if I felt light-headed? Or maybe info on Fast 5, whatever that is??

Speaking of coffee - Caffe Nero is so much less calorific than Starbucks!! For cappucino anyway. Quick comparison for the smallest soya cappucino
Caffe Nero - 36cals
Starbucks (this is the short size, not even the smallest on the menu!!) - 62cals (72 for the small on the menu)
Costa - 47cals

So I guess I'll be sticking with Caffe Nero!!!

Also, my skinny jeans (size 10, Zara) are feeling a bit looser round the bum area, so maybe there is a difference in my body!! It's weird - I still look EXACTLY the same (ie round) on my bottom half. Just a smaller round I guess, or it's fat replacing any muscle I ever had on there. I'll re-measure up on Sunday to see if I lost any inches (doubtful!! Particularly with the bloating I had earlier this week). I did weigh myself to see if the bloat was doing anything and it was 129.0lbs which is good for an evening weight.

Ambivalence

Porridge 140, probio 63, 2 fatfree cookies = 59*2, soup 70, apple and honey 80. Total = 471.

Quite high... btu I am planning on having only the rest of the lentil thingy tonight. If I'm going to advocate "mixing it up" (ie varying the calories so I don't get used to one amount), then I need a lower day. Today will probably do it!!!

Although I am meeting up with a friend for coffee (always!!!). If I stick with a cup of tea, should see me through.

Does anyone else feel the cold really badly?? It's apparently quite mild today btu I think I need another jumper!!

Fail and Bake

Still full but I made food and ate it anyways. Some sort of lentil bake (was meant to be chilladas but fail!), approx 200 maybe? The lentil content was 157 but there was onion and carrot in there too. I also made cookies from FatFree Vegan. They included prunes and soy yog and she always puts up calorie content. I ate 3 of the small ones (this is meant to be a test of me not binging!!) - so probably 120. And some mixture - 100.

I am not going to binge on these cookies. Even though they're like 55 cals a piece. This is my lent challenge and I have broken the other rules (the exercise, the not eating out of jars, although that is now minimal!!) so I will not break this one. I will test myself. And give them away to my friends.

Cals today - 998. Fail. Maybe that's why I feel all bloated (er no. You felt like this before, remember!!).

Tuesday's Raining

I thought I was more positive this week but my stomach feels so bloated (I hvae a few digestive issues). Not because I've eaten loads (I hope!). Here's today so far

Porridge 140
Probio drink 63
Hot chocs 80
Soup 70
Apple and honey 80
2/3 crappy soy cappuccino 25
Like 15 Haribo sweets (feel pretty sick now though) 120?

= 578

I don't really feel like eating. I think I'm going to make some super low fat chocolate cookies (from Fat Free Vegan) later though so I can feed other people at uni.

OH, forgot. had two alcohol-free cocktails last night, probably about 250 overall. Still... good times had by all so I guess it was worth it.

Question Time

So many questions!!

1) How can my one slice of homemade pizza have so many calories?? Seriously, a greasy slice of deep pan pizza has 410. My slice? Dough made with 25g rice flour = oh... I thought this was like 200. It's 91. That's good (also means I overestimated 2 of my previous entries. Sweet)!! So 91 plus tomato (20) plus chorizo (80) plus pesto (80) = 271. Much more reasonable!!!
Other food - apple microwaved with honey and cinnamon = 80, hot choc mix (BAD) = 80, gruel = 80 (all the 80s!!!!!). Total so far today = 885

2) Why can't I remember that my stomach hurts if I eat too fast??

3) Why, if I am the same weight as a shorter person are my proportions/measurements the same?? In fact, some shorter people weigh more than me and are the same size! I don't get this - I have zero muscle but I'm a tall girl at 5 foot 9. I might feel like a fatty but my BMI based on my last measurement is 18.8. I think my body fat percentage is quite low (haha there's like nothing on my top half and 50% fat on my bottom!). What gives? Which leads to...

4) Noone has said anything about my weight loss yet... so where am I losing it from? I started this blog when I was already a few pounds down (my weight for about 6 months was approx 134) yet I've heard nothing.... oh well, am off out tonight, hopefully I will not eat anything and drinks should be minimal (I don't drink alcohol). I will wear a slinky dress.

Actually, it's probably a good thing noone's noticed. I don't want to be watched like a hawk!

Monday - New Week, New Focus

Just went food shopping for the week ahead. Got loads of veg (of course!!) and thought about natural laxatives.... I have now had a BM btw (sorry!! TMI! But if I can't say it here, when can I??) but still. Have gone for probiotic yoghurt drinks, more fruit, honey, soy yoghurt and some prunes. Best to keep things regular - my digestive system is temperamental at best anyway so might try to keep it happy.

Day so far - porridge (140) and probio drink (67). I'm feeling considerably happier than in my previous ranty post, ready to face the new week and fight it down - so much more motivated.


Just made soup - cabbage, carrot and coriander. Seriously, if it's cold where you are, get yourselves a handblender - makes semi-pro soups with far fewer calories!! Seriously, 4 carrots (100), 1 tsp stock (12) and half of a white cabbage (100) has made me 3 servings of soup! And I'm full from that!! Having a hot chocolate too (60!!). Oh and had some prunes earlier (37)

So today to lunch - 374. Kerching!

Sonntag

Sunday is my day away from dieting to an extent. I allow myself 2 bowls of porridge if I want them (I did today!!) and pretty much whatever I want but to a slightly larger extent than normal. I'm still trying this whole "calorie restrict but nothing is forbidden" thing, which I reckon could work long-term.

2 bowls of porridge with extras - 300
Apple - 63
Soup - 200
Hot chocolate - 40
Honey (natural laxative apparently!) - 100 throughout day
Cabbage leaves - 200
Broccoli - 30

Total at 17.34 = 933.

Fine - good even for a day away. I get hungry later, maybe have some more veg or an apple or something.

*Edit* Add on some more porridge (I suppose it should really be gruel for how watery I make it in the evenings!! Still, more water intake and only 2 tsps of oats = good right?) and some more honey for it's good effects. Maybe 100?

Weigh-in Day

I hve started weighing myself in the mornings which may be more accurate (as it's before drinking but after peeing).

Today.... 127.4!!



That's 9 stone 1!! Lower than expected (given that nope, no BM yet!! And I started my period early). I'm planning on basically the same food day today since I made enough yesterday to do so. I did snack yesterday but it was on cooked cabbage which I'll make into a soup maybe tomorrow.


:) Hope your weigh-ins go well ladies!!!!!!!! xoxo

Tasty AND Healthy. Love it!

Right so lunch was this soup with chorizo and butter beans - filling and low cal, freaking awesome. It was about 200 cals I worked out, I'm overestimating slightly I think, but better that way than if I miss something!! And 40 for hot chocolate.

I've made stuffed cabbage leaves (like vine leaves - yum Greek food! Cinnamon too for that extra metabolism boost!) for dinner, they're in the oven now. Worked those out at 50 cals a pop, so approx 200 for dinner. Woo!! Will add some veggies to that I think, brocolli (30) and peas (60 ish). Super tasty!!!!

Day's total will hopefully be 799. Giving me leeway if I feel the need for anything else but I don't *have* to if I don't want to. Food is merely fuel, food cannot make a person happy - this is my latest life cycle. That way, if I can assimilate it into my way of thinking, I will never get fat and I will only eat what my body needs and I will not binge/eat loads/feel guilty for eating "bad" foods.

Tomorrow morning is my weigh-in which I'll post to RayRay when I've done it. I'm quite hopeful of a loss, given Friday's weight but also (and sorry if this is TMI) I've not had a BM since Friday so I'm a lil worried!! I have been eating loads of vegetables so I don't know what's gone wrong!!!! I don't want to take non-natural laxatives... oh well, if my weight is over what I'm expecting, I can use that. I've tried hard to be consistent this week, so fingers crossed!!

Blog love!!

Thankyou for your comments!! They really helped, honest. Turns out my period started (several days early... even though I'm on the pill??) so the moods maybe caused by that.

Today - I got my porridge (but with honey eek) and apple and then had a decaff cappucino with soy milk from Caffe Nero. Per drink, according to the website, that's only 36 cals. And I didn't even finish it (although did have most, so will count it anyways). Today so far - 269. I want to keep it low today, I have plans for an interesting dinner (stuffed cabbage leaves) so will probably make up a soup for lunch.

xoxo

Warning - depressed type rant

So dinner was a kind of stew made with barley and not much meat (maybe 300?? It wasn't a big portion) and two more watery bowls of porridge with honey (200). Total so far = 1065 which I must remember is not too bad.

I've been feeling pretty down today (which is why I broke my lent rule of only porridge at breakfast. It's ok, it's not like I feel "oh that's done now may as well go for broke!!"). Everything is so much, college is so much work, I've got no energy (and I've not even gone to the gym recently to use that as an excuse), some of my friends are being utterly shite and I just feel like I want to cry a lot of the time. There's a reason why models aren't my thinspo - it's because my skeleton itself could not be rail thin. I've accepted that I'm a pear-shape. I've got skinny arms and no boobs at all. I know I'm not hugely OVERweight, but I just want my thighs (and perhaps my disgusting flabby bum/hips) to slim down or tone up or something. How can other people think I'm thin when yes, my arms and top half are quite bony but my legs are carrot-shaped pieces of fat? With fucking cellulite?! Guys prefer skinny girls (they claim they don't but how many skinny girls do you see without boyfriends? Does it stop Paris, Nicole, models etc?) so it's no freaking wonder I've not got anyone chasing me right now? I've been sodding single for literally years now, with male interest being minor-to-none in the last year.

And everyone thinks I'm ok because if I do moan in real life, it's only ever about one thing at a time. I'm the one people lean on. I just couldn't let all this out, I'm always fine and positive!!

I'll stop moaning now. I'm satiated. I suppose I should do some work. On the plus side, when I'm feeling down/stressed, I do usually lose weight, so I could use that as an excuse as to why I'm losing.

I was planning on putting up some photos but I don't even want to take any right now. Sorry, noone needs to see a fat and sad girl.

One eye behind my back

I think my friends are getting a little suspicious/worried. I ended up not going to the gym today to placate them. Luckily I avoided eating extras with them. Still today has gone ok, standard porridge and apple starter combo, with soup for lunch. I needed something a little more than then 325 cals so I've had a bowl of watery watery porridge with marmalade in. Around 100 cals. So 425. And no gym. But better no gym than to have to explain myself! xoxo

*Edit* I did eat another bowl of watery stuff (but with honey) and am having a hot chocolate. So I'm on 565 before dinner! Booooo!!! But I did weigh myself this morning (I think I do have a problem as regards weighing myself.) and I was 128.0!! So high hopes for Sunday morning's weigh in!!

Thursday rush about!

Good afternoon!! I woke up and oh my God, my abs are killing me from the pilates class I went to yesterday. Must have done something, right? That said, the thought of going to the gym is a horrendous one. I have too much work on today to contemplate going too. Boo.

Today, as per usual!! Porridge, apple, hot chocolate (243). I cycled into town, it's soo cold out there! Lunch was that soup (122) and some soy yoghurt and honey (approx 100. I couldn't go vegan I'm afraid, I know that several of you are, but I love honey too much!). 466 so far today.

Tonight I'm planning salmon with curry paste, stirfried vegetables and maybe some noodles/rice. Should be a nice healthy dinner and at around 385 cals (if I eat it all), leads to a day's total of 851. Hmm, bet I could get an extra hot chocolate in there this afternoon (40 cals a piece... a girl's gotta have what a girl's gotta have, and my period is due next week...)


*Edit* OK, so the dinner was about right and I didn't have a hot chocolate but I did eat soy yog with honey. Finished the pot though so no more!! Day's total so far = 951. Still pretty pleased!! My aim is to eat below 1200 and not too far below 800. I get cold too easily to eat less than that!!

But why blog?

I was actually thinking - with R Harlow B's fab post on "reasons to be thin" - what other people's reasons were for blogging? Personally, I find it's totally cathartic. I can get off my chest the things I can't for fear of people accusing me of being ana.

You guys are also so supportive. You have so many tips and are so motivational!! I was a reader long before I became a blogger

Also my blog is a place where I can put down exactly what I eat and it's not easily found... what if I wrote it down and someone found the paper? They'd just be like "Oh but you're not eating enough at all!" when really it's clearly what I need to maintain/lose a little weight. Otherwise I'd literally be dead, no? And of course, weight loss is meant to be increased if you keep a food diary ;)

So hit me back - why do you blog? Stay skinny!

129.2!

I weighed myself this morning, despite telling myself I wouldn't... doh!! Oh well, I was down to 129.2, so all is well. Morning weigh-ins are sooo much better. No more weight until SUNDAY!!

Just figuring out today. Breakfast - porridge, apple as per usual (203). Wednesday is thick yummy hot chocolate day, I'm probably overestimating at 250. Lunch - cup veggies (100?? Again, overestimate).

Just making up a chunky soup for dinner (I'm going to blend half and then add it back) - canned tomatoes (88), mince beef (125g = 150cals), onion (28), stock (12), leeks (30), sweet potato (100), 3 small carrots (60), half a pepper (20). 488 in all. But that should make approx 3-4 servings. It includes chilli too, spicy = super good for metabolism!! 162 cals if I do 3 servings, 122 if 4. I want some for lunch tomorrow too.

I'll probably have some soy yog/grapes/honey later - maybe in a smoothie? Oooh that would be good!! Leaving today's total at around 915 maybe. Pretty good. Depends on soup portions but only makes a diff of 40 cals.

I also tried out pilates for the first time - I was soo bad at it!! I did approx 50 mins, she told me my core stab was so not in control. Ahhhh. I'd probably have done better if I'd just gone to the gym!! Apparently it burns approx 255 cals per hour - so apparently I burnt 212. But half that (thanks for the tip girls!!!).

:(

Lunch - braised vegetables (approx 68 according to the recipe), soya yog and honey (100). And I'm contemplating the rest of that Nakd bar.... 536 up to that point.


All my plans for the gym and for working totally failed due to what felt like a freaking migraine (ok, I am almost definitely overexaggerating becaue I could still see etc but it was a bad headache), so I went to bed. I made myself some homemade pizza, using up the rest of the cheese (well, most of... I threw the rest away!!) and tomato sauce, and one fewer slice of chorizo. I also had about a cup of frozen grapes (60 is for a cup of non-frozen, so I'll use that).

So no gym. At all. And a calorie total of 1054. I'm going back to bed, I feel miserable.

And yes Lolly, I am a UK resident!!!! Could you not tell? Lol.

Guilty?

So last night I diiid end up eating half a Nakd bar - 125 cals approx. But I also did exercise in my room. Not loads, and no way enough to burn it off but still good.

Today is pretty much the same as always!! Porridge (140), apple(67), hot choc mid morning (40) = 247. We might be going out later this week and I want to look good, so I'll have to up my rate at the gym today!

Stay strong ladies. Your blogs are so inspiring, I could never do the fasts or as much exercise as you do!!


Email from TescoDiets lead to an article about keeping a food diary and it doubling weight loss. That's effectively what we're doing with the blogs!!

Totally worried about homemade pizza. Oh, and Thinspo!

I made a mini-pizza.... no way near as bad as a bought one, in fact, more like a single slice of a Dominos. Base made from 50g rice flour - 200cals at least. Half a can of canned toms (60), half-fat cheese (at least 150), 4 slices chorizo (64), caramelised onion (20+25).

How amazing are frozen grapes? Seriously have to eat those sloooowly and they taste amazing! I had 6, so that's probably negative cals - 18cals for normal grapes anyways.

Total for the day - 975. Thank God that's under 1000, but I bet my saturated fat level is through the roof. Chorizo is a weakness of mine but I was worried about my lack of protein. I'll probably have the same dinner tomorrow (poss without the onion though!!), cos I made enough sauce for two, and I have to use up my other pizza base.

And I've not gone to the gym either. I was so cold after going outside that I had to heat up, and the thought of leaving the house again made me practically cry. MOTIVATION!!!! I think I'll do some circuits in my room tonight.

I found these clips of 4 anorexic girls from Supersize vs SuperSkinny. OMG, looking at what went into the korma made me never want to eat korma again!!! I always get a tomato based curry anyways...

On this link, 5:13 is where it starts. This is the attitudes towards exercise of the four girls. (See the start of the link for the operation on the fatty).

And on this one, it's at time 1:35 for the making of the korma. UGH.

I do feel really sorry for these girls - they can't see that they're soooo thin (particularly the Bolton one, I think it's Rebecca... she thinks she's curvy but she has skinny curves not fatty ones!!!).

Monday - Lunch

Cabbage soup with tiny bit of half-fat cheese (was worried about protein intake so maybe 130?) and red cabbage with sweet chilli sauce (25). Yummm.

Kinda had to have another hot chocolate - 40 cals is not bad and boy, am I light-headed!! Totally needed some sugar in my system. I have a Nakd bar (as recommended by A Head Full Of Beauty - whose site, btw, I can no longer access? Even though she wrote a post not long ago?), but I wanna save that for a meal. They're meant to be really filling and healthy, as they're basically compressed fruit and oats (like a solid smoothie). And they're raw too.

Total so far (pre-gym) - 438. I know for some of you girlies that's like a bad day, but for me, I think this is good. I don't want to mess up my metabolism forever, you know? I'm just a little paranoid!!

Is posting 3 times a day a little extreme? I won't be able to keep up with it cos I'm about to have a crazy couple of weeks.

Monday - Food Shopping

Last night's weigh-in was 130.6, so even if I took it at night, it's still an improvement!! My aims for the week is to not weigh myself UNTIL next Sunday morning. I think I'll be so busy until then that I won't be able to!!

Today so far, I've had my usual porridge and apple (203 together) and a cup of hot chocolate (Highlights = 40 cals). Bought a jar today to help with any chocolate cravings I get - foodshopping earlier was a bit crave central but I always take a list with me!! I'm planning on the rest of the cabbage soup for lunch and also making it to an aerobics class. If I don't make it, I'll go to the gym anyway and work out. Maybe I should take a magazine or something to read? I always end up focussing on the calories burnt/time remaining and apparently that's not good? Particularly since calories burnt is overestimated anyways!

When food shopping, I mostly picked up vegetables, with some ham and tuna (protein!! I read R Harlow B's post on water weight, which was amazingly useful!!) and more apples. I'm also going to try out the frozen grapes thing too.

129.6... I knew this several hours ago!

Is it better to weigh self in morning or in the evening? I did weigh myself this morning when dehydrated - I was 129.6. Or is it better to carry on as I've been doing, and weighing on Sunday evening?

This may or may not have something to do with me eating cabbage and brocolli with mustard/sweet chilli sauce after dinner. I now feel sooo bloated. Must remember, the weight is probably just the fibre of the cabbage.... doesn't stop my jeans cutting into my hips though, does it?!

For the SBC I think I'll go with this morning's weight. I'll weigh myself later anyway and edit this post and put it below.

The Sunday Plan

OK small soup with low-fat cheese grated on it (so maybe 130), another apple (63) and a bit of sugar (100). I'm planning on a 100 ca curry-type dinner just like the other night, with a smidge of chutney (50).

Should all go to plan, that'll be 936. No gym... again! I am toootally working out tomorrow. And bet I binge on sugar tonight.... though might try the cabbage thing again!! Hope RayRay waits a couple of hours so I can be part of the Spring Break Challenge too!! Not that I think I'm down from last week.

Sunday Schmunday

I like having Sunday as a bit of a day away - I let myself have 2 bowls of porridge this morning (one with a tsp of marmalade and one with some honey) and a baked apple (microwaved, with honey and cinnamon). It sort of covers lunch too, although I'm expecting to have some of my soup later too. I did have a mini binge on marmalade out of the jar, but I think it probably stays quite low...

Porridge x 2 - 280 (!)
Marmalade - 100?
Honey - 50
Apple - 63

Total - 493. It's ok, it's Sunday time... weigh in this evening, eeeeeek!! Must remember it's only been 5 days, and I went up to 133 in that time. Keep head in the game.