Confusion

Hunger is fat leaving the body.



In the past few months I have been uber busy. Usually this means I lose weight. I maintained at approx 127. Until last weekend. Saturday morning, 127.6 (not ideal but alright). Sunday morning 130.0. Monday morning 132.6. WTF? My sis was down and I ate a loooad including an afternoon tea of gigantic proportions but 5lbs?


Even weirder - Saturday morning THIS weekend - 129.6 (not the 5lb gain, not good but not as bad as I thought). Sunday morning 131.6. And I made cakes but didn't eat loads (ate some instead of lunch).


I've given up on trying to understand my body's foibles.

Day 3

I forget the days and don't have time to check it... it's 2pm, and I've just had lunch, so I've not had lunch at 11.30 (I had a class). Today has been better, I was so happy yesterday evening and it really helps with weight!! Weighed 127.2 this morning so it's not as bad as I'd feared so far. As you can tell, the "not weighing self every day" is going SO well.

Today, porridge (150), soya caramel macchiato (150), salad (260), so 560. I'm hoping to remain under 1000 today. Yesterday I managed about 1200, as there were frosted cupcakes at the event I went to, and I ended up just eating frosting off about 4 cupcakes. I do love M&S sushi, although they've got a lot of healthy food, which I approve very much of.

Still got no laptop. FAIL.

This weekend may be a fail as I'm off away to a friend's bday. Hopefully getting my dance on though.

Failing?

I feel like I'm failing

My laptop is broken, so no blogging. Work is busy - I'm studying a lot, which leads to hunger.

Today - porridge (150), salad (150), chocolate (400 probs), cappucino (70). 770 is huge before a dinner, what am I doing? At least when I bake, I give out to lots of people.

I guess this is why I managed to gain like 4 lbs in 4 days - admittedly this was an evening weight after eating my ass in baking.

I must get back on the horse. When I have no money (so, er, now then), I won't be able to buy food (like mid-afternoon chocolate). And if I drink fizzy drinks (soda water and lime! Diet Coke!!) throughout my "dinner" time, I don't get hungry.

The mad thing is that when I do get hungry, it's not for anything in particular. There's no food that I really want, there's nothing really. Food is fuel (love that frame of mind). If I can just stay here, I'll be happy. It's been about 2 weeks like this.

Plan for the rest of the day = sushi from M&S. I can get a low cal small one. I wouldn't eat but I'm eating with a friend.


I do not expect to see a loss this week. I will have to weigh on Saturday as I'm away for the weekend. I will probably not even be the weight I was this time last week. Oh 126, please be mine.

Re-start. Day 1

SO Bank Holiday weekend in the UK was a bit of a write off. Whilst I didn't eat meals on Sunday, I did make A LOT of cake. LOTS. With a friend. Which involved sampling. Luckily, I started feeling sick part way through, so I couldn't eat any more. I also ate about 500g of butternut squash, which I know isn't high in cals (partic roasted with FryLite oil) - is about 200 cals, but it's still bulk and I still FELT big. Ugh.

So re-starting. Back on the VB diet where possible. new aims - do not eat more than 2 bowls of porridge in a row. Do not add honey to porridge. Try to do some exercise which isn't just walking. *sigh*. It's my own fault for weighing in last night, when the scales read 130.8. WTF? 4lbs in a day and a half? Crazy. Maybe it's water weight, I do drink a lot.

Day 22

Weighed in a day early because I thought today may be a bad one. Victoria Beckham knows what she's doing!! I had a photo shoot, so wanted to be lower... and saw 126.4 this morning. Even with cheating a lot this week and not really following the diet, I lost 2 lbs. OK, so I know it's a lot of bloat from pre-period stuff, but can I get a hell yes?

I'll weigh in tomorrow but I've eaten quite a lot today (porridge - 150, carrot - 30, 5 (yes, 5! Spread out) cereal bars - 550, yoghurt raisins - 200, snackajacks - 80), 1010 compared with my recent low low intake of 600s ish, so I'm not expecting it to be any lower tomorrow. I'm also off out for non-alcoholic cocktails tonight!! I did see my top half looking particularly slim in the photos, so I was quite pleased. Still look v wide in the hip area though, but I'm not sure I can do a lot about that.

How are things with you, my lovelies?

Day 20

So after last night's disaster (admittedly and expected disaster - will explain), today I woke up with a fake hangover - I don't drink but I had a headache and stomach ache... ugh.

Crisps. And chocolate raisins. And curry. And people who I like but who I don't know particularly well. So lots was consumed, I don't really want to think about the calories. I've been punished enough for it today with the way I felt. Has anyone else had that? Where you eat really healthily for a while, then when you end up eating v fatty food, your body rejects it massively? I will have to think again for next time we have a social.

Onto today - started off with a smoothie (beetroot, carrot, apple, celery, honey, cinnamon and cocoa powder - approx 170 per serving), had strawberries (50), peas (50), lettuce and carrot (30) followed by a Starbucks trip. I went for a soy cappucino with sugar free hazelnut syrup (70). Which put me at 370. Good. Got hungry at 4.30pm, ignored it, drank water, it stopped. Great. Didn't feel well on way home, good, so didn't eat. Until I felt like I should eat. So I had some porridge. I've weighed it out, I had about 100g of oats overall, made with water and sweetened with honey - so maybe 500 cals?

Putting today's total at 870.

Good, yes, but doesn't really balance out yesterday. Or the day before. But it's not with my VB diet (ie Victoria Beckham!!), which is meant to be solely strawberries, lettuce, edamame (I've been using peas) and steamed fish (I have yet to eat any fish). Lots of herbal and green tea is meant to be consumed. Again, I've not had the facilities to do this, so I've just been drinking A LOT of water.

I've varied this quite a lot - added blueberries, carrots and other low cal veg and stuck with porridge. As you can see, not really stuck to it. I've got 2 days of doing this before I will probably have to eat something else (a friend, who also has a few food issues, and I are going to have a bake fest so I can teach her how to bake, then we're going to give out what we make to friends and colleagues on a big trip without eating it ourselves. Cunning.). I can't see why my weight wouldn't go down in this time, but I don't hold out much hope for the Sunday weigh in. I bet I end up weighing much more than my mid-week 126.4, though I'd love to see that number again. On that note, I did finally have a BM today (it's been about 5 days) but not enough again. Hopefully tomorrow or Saturday...

Day 19

So I weighed myself this morning despite not meaning to do it all week, but I was feeling slimmer. Srre enough, 126.4 sparkled at me from the scales. Hooray for period bloat going down a few days in.

This is despite the chilli, rice and tarta yesterday.

Today, I have felt like it's a loss. A chocolate and caramel Rice Krispy Squares shone at me with its gold gleaming promises of tasty goodness. At 151 cals though, it's one of the better buys in the college shop. I'm having a curry tonight, I like the spicy ones so it should boost my metabolism a bit. Since I don't drink, no alcohol, and there'll be lots of dancing, to make up for my lack of gymming.

Then we shall return to the peas-strawberries-lettuce-fish of the VB diet. For 3 days at least.

I shall return.

Day 18

My flatmate knows I'm a little weight-obsessed... but we're both on this VB diet thing so I think it's ok. I did so well yesterday, tonight I knew was going to be worse since I had a couple of girls over for dinner and we ate this lovely Dime Bar Tarta.

Cals

Porridge (200)

Green tea iced drink with orange (50)

Strawberries and Blueberries (60)

Peas (50)

Carrot (30)

Lettuce

Chilli (250)

Rice (125)

Tarta (600)

1355. Could have been much worse!! Tomorrow will be quite bad with the curry night out, but I plan to drink a lot of diet coke which will fill me up massively.

I probably won't update for a couple of days, but I will get to commenting soon, I will!!! I'm also thinking about weighing myself this evening as I do feel quite light - haven't had a BM in a while though but am now on period so my water weight *should* have reduced. I know I shouldn't weigh in, but I want to, now, before the big big night out.

Day 17 - GOOD!

OK I am finding it tough to comment on other blogs when am on flatmate's laptop, so I'm being a bit quiet... she's gone to bed for now though, so I can quickly post before I head!

Day 1 of "The VB Diet" - porridge for breakfast (200 at most), strawberries (40), peas (50), lettuce (0 surely?), carrot (30), celery (10), couple of chips (20), two Britvic drinks (250). So that's 590. Pretty freaking sweet.

Admittedly, this was partly because I went to an event in the evening and drank a lot of diet coke and water. And I was told a story involving a Mars Bar and the lady place and felt really sick afterwards (story was after the couple of chips). Whatever works. I'm pleased with that. Rock on. Had I been at home, I'd have got hungry and eaten more.

I can't be as good tomorrow, as expected, since I'm having a couple of girls over for dinner and girly chats - this is clearly going to involve chocolate. I'm making a lentil chilli so will get some spices going at least. If I start off the day like I've done today though, I think that's acceptable. I'm not willing to sacrifice friendships, I'll just be a little careful.

Hope you're all staying strong, I miss reading your blogs (I will! I promise! When I get onto the library computers and don't have other people around me).

Day 16?

I've lost count. This has to be short, as I'm using flatmate's computer

Being ill helped me I think, but not loads. I'm currently weighing in at 128.4 (today is weigh in day) making that 1lb since starting 2 weeks ago. Not ideal but better than it could be.

I suppose that even though I didn't eat much yesterday, I didn't have any BMs (in comparison to Friday when I was ill in the morning, then fine all day until 11pm when I had the world's worst stomach ache)

G2G

Day 14- Start thereof

My laptop is out of action for the next couple of weeks - I'm risking this on my flatmate's (by using a different browser to her usual and then clearing the history).

Yesterday's dinner went well, I did eat more than expected but not by more than 200 cals I think, so I maybe breached 1400, but it was worth it.

This is TMI for those with a sensitive disposition - but I've had a bit of diarrhoea for the first time literally in years today. I woke up, weighed self, was 128.8, so I was relatively pleased. After drinking water and eating some porridge, I had a little toilet trauma (so didn't go to the gym), then weighed self again just to see what had happened (yes, the whole "don't weigh self for a week!" thing completely broke) and I was 127.6! Would love to see that on Sunday morning, but I guess I'm pretty much empty right now.

Next week, my plan is to eat edamame beans, strawberries, lettuce and a bit of steamed fish as much as possible - this is what Victoria Beckham ate apparently!! However, several social events, including another friend coming over for dinner... which I guess makes eating like that the rest of the time more important!!

Just keeping my fingers crossed for Sunday morning.

Rest of today - I'm meeting a friend for gf muffins from Covent Garden, but if I can make that as lunch (4pm... probably not doable) should be ok. Will bank on that being 350. Today I've had porridge - 130. Also, need to make a bit of a risotto for a picnic for ce soir, that with vegetables should be another 250, add an apple and hopefully some more veggies. That'd be a good day I think... 800 if I could manage it. Probably not. Given I'm somewhat hungry now and have yet to make the risotto.

Question - when you go out to dinner with friends, how do you make it so that they realise you're a super-healthy person but that you don't scare them with how little you manage? Also, I find it hard to overcome my "don't waste food!" mentality, so although I'm getting better in restaurants and things, I still find it hard when at home to not eat everything on my plate.

Day 13 - Not unlucky, hopefully

Woek up really early (and hungry) for some reason. I weighed myself again - 129.6, so hoping there'll be a loss on Sunday, even though I'm more than when I started right now. I realised I'd taken two pills yesterday instead of one and so my period should come a bit early.

I actually had time to weigh out 50g of oats for porridge (180 cals) and due to large amounts of time, also ate some hazelnuts which were in my cupboard and open (165). I hate wasting food, but it does mean I'm on 345 for breakfast. So I'm scheming now... I made lunch already, it's a salad involving spinach, cauliflower, carrot and courgette with some balsamic vinegar. Surely that's 100 at most? I'm also going to take a couple of carrots in there (60) and an apple (70) for afternoon snacking if I need to.

Plus, as mentioned previously, a friend is coming over for dinner. We're having baked salmon (250 apparently, seems high for salmon!) with roasted veg (not as much oil as usual, so maybe 200 cals) and then that aubergine chocolate cake, which has 215 cals per serving with berries (so maybe 40?).

Aims today - drain a bottle of water approx every hour. Stick with the plan, which should leave me at 1280 calories. Chances of it being more are high, with the chocolate cake I guess.

Will edit this evening if I have time/a computer. I'm taking it in to get fixed today.

Day 12

It's been an interesting start to the day, I know I shall be out for the rest of it, so it's made up for my eating so far (despite it being only 10.34). So my aim is 1200 or below.

Today
Breakfast was a smoothie made of melon, an apple and a couple of carrots - 100+70+30 = 200. Quite high already.
Made a (healthy!) chocolate cake for a friend who's coming over for dinner tomorrow - she's pretty slim, so we're having salmon with roasted veg and this healthy chocolate cake (see below for more info). Ate some - 300.
Finished off my houmous with some cauliflower - 150.

SO FAR = 650. I have 550 or less to play with. As I'm pretty full now, I shall ignore lunch and drink water through it. I have a packed dinner, of the rest of the rice dish from the other night (250) with some steamed spinach and some cauliflower, which is at most 50. So I could, today, feasibly only eat 300 more calories. Putting me at 950 for the day, which would be awesome.

So plan is completed. And if I break it (I'm meeting a different friend at law school and we usually have a break in which we have the lower cal chocolatey things, hence the rice krispy square yesterday), it's not a huge deal. I do want to stay at 950 though!


I was chatting with my flatmate last night - she'd got her morbidly obese workmate to buy her and a friend the weight loss drug Alli - apparently it was like shitting olive oil and it was so satisfying, like a George Foreman grill, to see what could have gone into her body but hadn't. We also discussed going onto the Victoria Beckham diet of edamame beans, strawberries, lettuce and steamed fish, whilst drinking loads of peppermint and green tea. I could totally do that (perhaps with the addition of porridge for breakfast). Think I might try it next week!!


As for my "healthy" cakes, I've been using the Red Velvet and Chocolate Heartache cookbook, look it up on Amazon. It uses vegetables to reduce the fat content and provide structure, meaning less flour is used (and she uses rice flour anyway). The 135 cal cupcakes I made were the chocolate peanut butter ones, her recipe made 12, I managed to get 20 out of it. I also substituted the eggs for arrowroot powder and water (and used sweet potato instead of butternut squash). The chocolate cake I made for my friend has a principle ingredient of aubergine (which has a total of 15 calories per raw 100g - that's AMAZING). The danger with the low calories ones is that you end up eating more of them - but this is alright, particularly if you're in front of other people (ie reduces down their suspicions). If there's a call for the recipes I can put them up.


*Update*
I came home, I ate some porridge (130 ish), an ice lolly earlier in the day (70) and some icing sugar with cocoa (doh! 150!). 1400. Bugger. Although I did make it into the gym (only burnt about 150 though), and had a jacuzzi and sauna.

I then, foolishly, broke my own rule of not weighing myself (see, this happens). Given I've eaten later than usual, drunk a lot of water and am approaching the end of my packet of the pill and am thus pre-menstrual, I should not be overly surprised at seeing 131.6. But I'm still super-annoyed by it. FFS. I've not eaten THAT much. The bloating had better go down, it feels like I've got an apron of flesh on.

I need to LOSE weight this week, not gain it. Also, my digestive system is being weird, without going into too much detail. Grr bloat.

Day 11

Hmm.

A friend who I've not seen in a while last night asked whether it was "hard to keep your weight up due to your dietary restrictions?". I almost laughed out loud - keep my weight up?? I mean, yes, my weight is pretty much at its lowest since I gave up gluten. But it's intentional. Still, noticeable perhaps, a good sign I think.

So I made cupcakes last night for my class today. Ate 5 of them spread out through the day - lucky for me, they only had 135 cals. So porridge (100), melon (100), rice krispie bar (150), cucumber with some houmous (100) and a couple of rye bread with PB (200). Pub lunch was 3/4 of a jacket potato with chilli con carne (not sure, maybe 150 + 200). 1700 ish, which is higher than my aim dammit! I walked a lot today though and the socialising was important for class I guess. It could have been much much worse, thank God I don't drink.

I don't really understand - the skinniest girl in the class (who admittedly used to be a ballet dancer) ate a panini with melted cheese and drank a few glasses of wine, a vodka diet coke and a Magners cider. I do wonder if that's all she'll eat today, or if she purges or if she just naturally has a really high metabolism? She's much smaller than I CAN be naturally, her hips are tiny tiny tiny.

We are planning more socials, but I reckon if I fast on the days when we're eating out, and then keep drinking diet Coke (LOVE IT) on nights out, then I can get through it. *sigh* why am I so weak willed/social?? Skinny Love - I think your plan is right, the guilt makes us work it off though. I'm sorry for mentioning houmous (but I did have a pot and wanted due to the other night!), and making you crave it so, I hope you can forgive me.

If I have a sub-1200 day tomorrow, things should balance out. I'm still annoyed with myself though. Get me to the gym soon.

Day 10

I am blogging from law school for the first time ever - oooh rebel! I've got enough tabs open that even if someone I know comes over, it won't be an issue...

Sunday was a write-off, v high. I lost count, like an idiot. Today has been pretty good so far, I did have some chocolate with a friend this afternoon, but so far, porridge (100), melon (50), PB (150), rye bread with houmous (100), salad (50), chocolate (250) = approx 700. I only had the chocolate because it's a long time between lunch and the drinks I'm having with a different set of friends this evening. Once we're past the 6-7pm standard dinner time, I won't get as hungry and will be able to make something healthy - I'm thinking low-fat spinach risotto (I don't use oil).

This will be very necessary - we're meant to be having a pub lunch after class tomorrow, can't get out of it. I'm playing netball that evening and I'll be able to gym too, maybe even tonight as well. I suspect there may be another social meal soon too although I've already said I don't have any money so a picnic (where I take my own, salad-based, food). Damn, socialising is so food heavy! At least I don't drink, so I don't need to watch out for that pitfall!

EDIT - I had a rice dinner of approx 250 (made with curry paste, apple, carrot, spinach and about 200 cals worth of rice, split into two portions), followed by some melon (50) and some houmous with cucumber (150). Today's total is therefore approximately 1200. GOOD.
Has anyone else's blogger claimed that they're not following anyone? Mine has, although I'm hoping when I go back onto it, this changes!!

Day 8 - phoenix

Weighed in and measured this morning, earlier than I wanted to by a couple of hours but necessary as I was so thirsty.

129.0. Waist = 26 ins (no change, it's like that when I first wake up), hips = 37ins still, chest = 33ins. Can someone holler "pearshape"?

At least it's not a gain. But seriously, less than half a fucking pound? That could just be water weight I didn't have from last week! Admittedly, yesterday was not great - I realised I'd forgotten to add on a couple of mini cupcake frostings which we'll assume was 200 and then late at night I had with my friend a LOT of carrots, which would have been fine but we had this amazing chilli houmous from Tesco as well, so that pushes it up to at least 2000 for yesterday which is an obscene number of calories. The carrots alone would add fibre weight today. I walked in heels a lot, but that in no way balances it out. So I suppose I've had my worst two days of the week being closest to the end.

These are just excuses. Or rather, reasons. My weight should have been able to cope with that though and I should be less. If you look at my total cals for the week, it's approx 9616 (round up to 10,000) which isn't huge, despite looking it.


SO since my body clearly accepts 1600 calories, I shall reduce this to 1400 this week, and then keep it at 1200 max (where I lost weight slowly but surely last time).

Weekly aims
- Daily cals to not exceed 1400.
- Do not eat around 4pm when you get really hungry. Drink a lot of water at this time and maybe have some caffeine.
- Smaller breakfast of 150 max.
- No binging.
- Exercise - 3 times, with additional walking, preferably get off the tube a stop early.
- When baking (if baking) less sampling.


To end on a positive note, I did not weigh in before today, so I've succeeded in one aspect, by not weighing myself the whole week! I want to do this again. Definitely wouldn't have managed it without this blog.

Day 7 - Risks

I'm probably at over 1400 cals at least already today. It's 5.45, so as long as I can avoid any more food, this is acceptable. The problem was that I went to a farmers' market with my housemate and went to buy the Hummingbird Bakery cookbook, then got inspired to bake. I love baking, it fuels me, I ove creating something that others can eat. I made their chocolate cupcakes, I took photos, but I shan't put them up here just in case. They are on my fashion blog - if anyone wants to know where that is, leave me a comment with your email address, I'd love to hear from you!

Anyway, despite having made (foolishly, I made them wheat-free so I CAN eat them) the cupcakes, I am taking some to a friend and I am giving some to my flatmate to take to her office on Monday. They're actually really too sickly for me, I did eat one but I am quite nauseous now. No idea as of cals, but I used dairy free, reduced fat margarine if nothing else. I've estimated that particular amount at about 600 including the cupcake.

Food eaten therefore
Porridge x 2 (breakfast, lunch) - 300
Scone with jam - 170
Rye bread with jam - 100
Chocolate - 260 (BAD! Didn't even want it)
Cooking - 600

So that's 1430. If I can keep it at that (and I will! I will be strong!) I would say that is good, based on my weekly aims.

Weigh in tomorrow!! And I will measure. I always weigh and measure on a Sunday morning, after my lie-in, before I drink water, after I've been to the toilet, so it's as light as I can be at that time. To be honest, I feel pretty heavy, so I'm not sure I will have lost much. I will be disappointed if I have not lost anything as I've done quite well this week, I've not properly binged and I've walked a lot and managed to make it to the gym a few times.

Day 6 - Setback

Well yesterday (as it is now, weird or what!) was different - it was like I forgot what I was doing... porridge and the last muffin for breakfast (300), small salad for mid morning (60), apple (70) and then lunch with a friend.

I knew the lunch was coming, knew it, and knew we were going to a super-healthy vegan place that she said she'd thought of me when she''d seen it. So we got the stuff from the buffet area (it was only one trip, so no problems really). Whilst it was all healthy stuff, I can't help but think that with oil and potatoes and lentils and quinoa and various veggies and tofu, it came to at least 700 cals. Let's say I had 7 scoops on my plate, each at 100.

Yikes.

It didn't really stop me, after walking around (London is a definite walking town once you're in the centre), I quickly went home and scarfed down a couple of low-fat, home-made scones (approx 300, again!) and an apple and went out. Coming back late, I then had a couple of small bowls of porridge (300). 1730. What happened to "nothing over 1600"? I just didn't count. It's so hard to count cals when you're in a place without a counter!! Where you don't know what you're eating! I mean, the 700 is probably an overestimate, but it might not be.

Then I read Sophie's comment on my previous post (hon, I'd find your blog and link it here, but I'm so sleepy!), which started with "I hope you give yourself a break today". I have been doing well this week, I woke up with tired legs, which is annoying but implies that I've worked them a bit, and I managed to not weigh myself this week, for the first time since I've been away properly from my scales. I'm hoping to see a loss tomorrow. I think I will also re-measure myself, because those measurements are important.

Ladies, I hope you're having a strong-willed day!!

Day 5 - Half Way Through the Day

So far today I've had just under 1000 cals. I still plan to go to the gym, I still plan to have a light dinner but given my calorie aims (and I like to mix it up, so sometimes yes, will eat a bit more in order to boost the old metabolism). Even if I don't make it to the gym, I've walked a lot today.

I know that sounds high, but I ate my lunch at uni (muffin and salad) and then got invited out for sushi lunch - as we went to Itsu, I knew the cal content, which was 180 cals, which for an unexpected lunch was not bad (and I got some protein in there with the fish). I think I'll hvae a light light dinner (maybe porridge) and veg out for a bit. I know, I know, no gym but I really did walk a lot today!

Day 4, getting better.

Feeling a bit better - today I had a smaller breakfast (approx 130), with salad for lunch (quorn chicken slices are 15 cals each, who knew? Plus salad and apple and cranberries - approx 200), cranberries as a snack and a muffin too (274). I learnt that after that snack, which I needed at about 4pm, I would have been fine throughout my normal dinner time, I met a friend during when I'd normally eat (6-7pm) and then after that, no problem. Since my flatmates were in, I made a low cal lentil soup with veggies (approx 200 I think) and had a couple of light scones (400). So today's total is 1234, which is much more acceptable to me, if I can just keep it up, I'd be happy with that!!

I didn't make it to the gym, but I did walk to meet my friend instead of taking the tube, so I saved money and did some exercise. My "French Women Don't Get Fat" book tells me that walking is definitely a good thing, so if it works for the French...

I know it's only Wednesday, but I feel much better knowing that my weigh-in is going to be Sunday and I won't weigh myself until then. I've got you guys to watch out for me, you must shout (blog style!) if I do!!!

Day 3 setback

It was all going to well! I was at law school at 4pm, and I headed home, so far, at most 400 calories (home-made healthy muffin at 174, fruit bar at 78, salad at 40, apple at 70 = 362), but I got home and the walk home pretty much killed me. I ate another muffin (174) and several bowls of porridge (250), then had a small risotto dinner (at most 200) and then some MORE porridge (200). I've not even been eating porridge recently. I don't get it!! 1186 overall is not bad, given I started recently and given my weekly goals, I could have some more food, and may do so after my gym session this evening. But it was the hunger, the weakness, the everything.

Control? Can you hear me, Self Control?


In some ways, I am heading back, and it is good. Just need to sort this bit of hunger out...

Day 2

Kept my calories below 1600 (although it did feel like I was eating a lot), and although I had a large breakfast, I did keep the other meals low. I'm a breakfast eater, I'm afraid - I know a lot of you find that breakfast makes you hungry throughout the day but for me, I could eat a large breakfast and not eat in the evening. Makes no difference really, it's all about total calories throughout the day!

Still, on a scale of 1-Bingetastic, not bad. A good start at least. Steamed fish a bit of rice and some stirfried (using Fry Light) vegetables. Yes, I ate all of the rest of my peanut butter, on rice cakes and in my stir fry. But it's all gone now, and I still stayed beneath 1600. From my mental calculations anyway.

I've also managed to not weigh myself, I'm usually pretty good at the first few days, it's usually when it gets to Wednesday or Thursday that I crack and end up weighing every day (night and morning) for the rest of the week. NOT THIS WEEK.

Day 1!

The weekly weigh-in begins - I am, this week, 129.4, which is as good as I could hope for, given the 131 yesterday morning. Reason to not weigh in every day!

I do just want to clarify some things - I really do not think that I have a serious ED. I don't think I'm anorexic (although I certainly share some characteristics, not the underweight thing though) and I'm definitely not bulimic (I can't purge, though I do binge occasionally). I've found that I like an element of control, a place to be accountable for what I eat. I'm hoping that if I do continue on here, albeit not every day (I'm really busy at the moment) I will sort myself out and get to a lower weight. I find it helpful to remind myself how well others are doing.

The main aim is to eat healthy, low-cal food, to mix up the number of cals occasionally, to treat my body as the temple it should be (think of what an amazing job your body does in every day situations!).

I find it odd that as I get to each lower weight, that becomes my "ok" weight, when a few months ago, it would have been amazing to be that weight. For example, a few months ago, 9stone5 would have been divine, marvellous, light for me. now that same weight, 131 is traumatic and I wonder what went wrong.

The plan today is a bowl of porridge (back to the porridge!) perhaps with some honey or golden syrup on it, but not for some time. I'm going to a concert at 6pm, meaning I need to get the tickets by 5.30pm (so aiming for 5.15pm) and leaving the flat by 4.30. The dress I'm going to wear is teeny tiny, so realistically, can't eat after 3pm. I bought vegetables and quorn chicken yesterday, I have fish and more vegetables in the freezer. I also intend to make some peach and poppy seed muffins, which are low cal but can be used for a quick breakfast on the go.

So cals could be as low as
Porridge and honey - 150 (will need to measure this, as wht I thought was 130 cals of porridge was much less, I used one of those Quakers specific packs with separate servings for a while and it was so low!)
Making poppy seed muffins - 300 (overcompensate, but sampling is a necessary part of baking)
Testing poppyseed muffin - 176 (according to the cookbook)
= 626

Chances are that there'll be some dried fruit and some Ryvita with peanut butter or honey on, but that shouldn't be over 1000. I may eat when I come back from the concert but I may not.

Day -1 = Back from the grave

Despite what I wrote below and despite trying to "recover" (I did go to counselling but didn't bring up the food issue - we just spoke about my "control| issues"), I've been following blogs this whole time. I hit 125.8 when I was flat-hunting. I've now moved to London. I have basically fluctuated between 126 and 132. Literally, this week, I was 126.6 last Sunday and this morning (Saturday) I was 131. WTF? I've spent all week walking and stressing! OK, lack of proper BM in the past few days.

I think it's because I took this week "off" in order to settle in. And the 126.6 was down from 128 the previous week so wasn't real loss, but why taunt me with that? Scales, begone!! I'll check tomorrow, which is my usual weigh-in day, but I severely doubt it'll be at the good end. If it's over 130, I really need to get back in check.

So clearly, I need to have somewhere to be more accountable. Maybe if I blog here, I'll stop weighing myself every freaking day and ONLY do it on a Sunday morning. Mostly, when I do weigh in every day, it scares me because weight goes up sometimes so much in a week. But I need to stop doing this, really really really.

There's a gym in my new place, which I've not gone to yet (such a busy week), tomorrow, as for me the week starts on Sunday, I return. Back. New GW (we'll say 119, but low end of 120 would be a good start), new plans (I've sort of gone off porridge although I think I could live with it!) and no money (so can't buy lots of food, even though I bought lots and lots this week as it's my first week).

Wish me luck. It's good to be back.

The End

I can't do this blog any more. People are noticing my food intake and to be honest... I can see my own head spiralling out of a place that's not normal, where food becomes the be all and end all. It's not!! It's not a big deal!!!

To that end, I'm going to think about it this weekend and then on Monday perhaps go to some sort of counselling.

Ladies, it's been a fun two weeks. You've got such support online here... I hope you achieve your goals but don't mess your heads up about it. Life's too short to never eat good food or to feel guilty about binging. I've seen photos of you, and honestly? You're all beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. With everything to live for and to enjoy. Please don't let food dominate your lives.

Goodbye.

Downwards spiral?

Calories today

Porridge 140
Probio 63
Cookie 55
Small sweet potato - 100
Tuna - 65

423, but I am feeling the need for something extra to get me through the afternoon. Something healthy, for sure.

Just feel really tired and run down. I need a nap but have too much to do!!! So no gym. I'd get there and be going at a really slow pace anyways. *sigh*. Hope you're all doing better than me!!!!!

Rest of Thursday

Dinner consisted of small portion cauliflower cheese (I don't even know... maybe 250?! The low cal one on weightlossresourse is 255, and my recipe was similar but with half-fat cheese), a couple of carrots in mustard (50), a pear with honey (60 - pears are lower cal than apples!!) and small bowl porridge (1 tsp oats cannot equal many, right? 30?). 873. That's ok. I really really do have to do something though, like gym or something!! Or fast... still think I'm too scared to do so though...

I have avoided the other cookies I made though, so they're still in there. My aim is to just ignore them. Ignore. Or rather "If I want, I can have one. I don't want, so no."

For a limited time only!!!!

Because I'm paranoid. And you don't need to be exposed to fatty untoned bits for more than 12 hours!!!

As you can see - bony arms and collar bone (these I like), no chest, flabby stomach and fat thighs.

That's a pear-shape, right there!!!


Collar bone!! Always visible though, even when I'm a lardass.

And I guess these photos are why people don't think I've lost weight. It's because I'm a fatty, so they're trying to make it so I carry on.

I will get thin legs. I WILL.




*EDIT* As you can see, removed. I should be getting my ass to the gym more. Thankyou for your comments though! They made me smile. ANd yeah, I do have the top half of a boney lady but effectively I'm a "fat-bottomed girl" (Queen would love it).

Thursday

I was going to go to the gym but my legs practically crashed out on me on my walk there!!! So I decided to conserve energy and go back home, where I am now and I am sooooo cold!!! It's not even that cold - I'm very confused.

Foodwise
Porridge - 140
Probio drink - 63
Diet coke = 0!! Haven't had one in yonks! So filling too!
Cabbage soup - 130, from ages ago
Prunes - 50?
Yog and honey - 100
-----
483. Pretty high. Be careful.


Oh I took photos earlier. Wow, my thighs are MASSIVE!!! I will post later, and then take 'em down.

How's your day going?

xoxo

Binge

DAMN. I knew baking was my downfall.

I ate like 5 of those chocolate cookies this evening I didn't even really want them. But I ate 2, then 3 a few hours later.

OK so they were low fat and probably no more than 250 cals on a low calorie day. But I'm still peeved. I was going to go to the gym tomorrow anyway and now I definitely have to.

GAH I am so annoyed at breaking this Lent promise!! I will never learn - I need to bake then NOT eat.

Fast info?

Right so I've had another cookie thing (I was giving them out at uni and thought it might be weird if I didn't have one...) and some lentil bake. 250 to add on, giving today at 721 thus far. I could have more, but I want to mix it up a bit, particularly given I had a few more calories on a few more days this week.
*EDIT* I got hungry. Going with the "listen to the body" thing I'm trying, I had some prunes (about 40) and a couple of small yet filling bowls of gruel (100). 861. Still good!! And I just watched Supersize v Super Skinny last night, the girl was orange!! And clearly had contorl issues with food. She ate 800 cals per day and weighed 6 stone 3 (87lbs), which was a BMI of 15.3. So small!! And far far too skinny. So I also figured that if she ate 800 cals per day and I was doing something similar (but more because I'm taller) then I'll probably also lose weight. Hoorah!

I'm thinking of maybe doing a fast on Friday?? I'm not a huge advocate of fasting but I know some of you ladies are. I was planning on maybe going to the gym then though, so might do it on Saturday instead (when I will be working instead...too much study leads to thinking about eating purely through boredom). I'd be worried it'd give me a totally false reading for weight on Sunday morning though... any advice? On fasting generally? I could always go buy a coffee if I felt light-headed? Or maybe info on Fast 5, whatever that is??

Speaking of coffee - Caffe Nero is so much less calorific than Starbucks!! For cappucino anyway. Quick comparison for the smallest soya cappucino
Caffe Nero - 36cals
Starbucks (this is the short size, not even the smallest on the menu!!) - 62cals (72 for the small on the menu)
Costa - 47cals

So I guess I'll be sticking with Caffe Nero!!!

Also, my skinny jeans (size 10, Zara) are feeling a bit looser round the bum area, so maybe there is a difference in my body!! It's weird - I still look EXACTLY the same (ie round) on my bottom half. Just a smaller round I guess, or it's fat replacing any muscle I ever had on there. I'll re-measure up on Sunday to see if I lost any inches (doubtful!! Particularly with the bloating I had earlier this week). I did weigh myself to see if the bloat was doing anything and it was 129.0lbs which is good for an evening weight.

Ambivalence

Porridge 140, probio 63, 2 fatfree cookies = 59*2, soup 70, apple and honey 80. Total = 471.

Quite high... btu I am planning on having only the rest of the lentil thingy tonight. If I'm going to advocate "mixing it up" (ie varying the calories so I don't get used to one amount), then I need a lower day. Today will probably do it!!!

Although I am meeting up with a friend for coffee (always!!!). If I stick with a cup of tea, should see me through.

Does anyone else feel the cold really badly?? It's apparently quite mild today btu I think I need another jumper!!

Fail and Bake

Still full but I made food and ate it anyways. Some sort of lentil bake (was meant to be chilladas but fail!), approx 200 maybe? The lentil content was 157 but there was onion and carrot in there too. I also made cookies from FatFree Vegan. They included prunes and soy yog and she always puts up calorie content. I ate 3 of the small ones (this is meant to be a test of me not binging!!) - so probably 120. And some mixture - 100.

I am not going to binge on these cookies. Even though they're like 55 cals a piece. This is my lent challenge and I have broken the other rules (the exercise, the not eating out of jars, although that is now minimal!!) so I will not break this one. I will test myself. And give them away to my friends.

Cals today - 998. Fail. Maybe that's why I feel all bloated (er no. You felt like this before, remember!!).

Tuesday's Raining

I thought I was more positive this week but my stomach feels so bloated (I hvae a few digestive issues). Not because I've eaten loads (I hope!). Here's today so far

Porridge 140
Probio drink 63
Hot chocs 80
Soup 70
Apple and honey 80
2/3 crappy soy cappuccino 25
Like 15 Haribo sweets (feel pretty sick now though) 120?

= 578

I don't really feel like eating. I think I'm going to make some super low fat chocolate cookies (from Fat Free Vegan) later though so I can feed other people at uni.

OH, forgot. had two alcohol-free cocktails last night, probably about 250 overall. Still... good times had by all so I guess it was worth it.

Question Time

So many questions!!

1) How can my one slice of homemade pizza have so many calories?? Seriously, a greasy slice of deep pan pizza has 410. My slice? Dough made with 25g rice flour = oh... I thought this was like 200. It's 91. That's good (also means I overestimated 2 of my previous entries. Sweet)!! So 91 plus tomato (20) plus chorizo (80) plus pesto (80) = 271. Much more reasonable!!!
Other food - apple microwaved with honey and cinnamon = 80, hot choc mix (BAD) = 80, gruel = 80 (all the 80s!!!!!). Total so far today = 885

2) Why can't I remember that my stomach hurts if I eat too fast??

3) Why, if I am the same weight as a shorter person are my proportions/measurements the same?? In fact, some shorter people weigh more than me and are the same size! I don't get this - I have zero muscle but I'm a tall girl at 5 foot 9. I might feel like a fatty but my BMI based on my last measurement is 18.8. I think my body fat percentage is quite low (haha there's like nothing on my top half and 50% fat on my bottom!). What gives? Which leads to...

4) Noone has said anything about my weight loss yet... so where am I losing it from? I started this blog when I was already a few pounds down (my weight for about 6 months was approx 134) yet I've heard nothing.... oh well, am off out tonight, hopefully I will not eat anything and drinks should be minimal (I don't drink alcohol). I will wear a slinky dress.

Actually, it's probably a good thing noone's noticed. I don't want to be watched like a hawk!

Monday - New Week, New Focus

Just went food shopping for the week ahead. Got loads of veg (of course!!) and thought about natural laxatives.... I have now had a BM btw (sorry!! TMI! But if I can't say it here, when can I??) but still. Have gone for probiotic yoghurt drinks, more fruit, honey, soy yoghurt and some prunes. Best to keep things regular - my digestive system is temperamental at best anyway so might try to keep it happy.

Day so far - porridge (140) and probio drink (67). I'm feeling considerably happier than in my previous ranty post, ready to face the new week and fight it down - so much more motivated.


Just made soup - cabbage, carrot and coriander. Seriously, if it's cold where you are, get yourselves a handblender - makes semi-pro soups with far fewer calories!! Seriously, 4 carrots (100), 1 tsp stock (12) and half of a white cabbage (100) has made me 3 servings of soup! And I'm full from that!! Having a hot chocolate too (60!!). Oh and had some prunes earlier (37)

So today to lunch - 374. Kerching!

Sonntag

Sunday is my day away from dieting to an extent. I allow myself 2 bowls of porridge if I want them (I did today!!) and pretty much whatever I want but to a slightly larger extent than normal. I'm still trying this whole "calorie restrict but nothing is forbidden" thing, which I reckon could work long-term.

2 bowls of porridge with extras - 300
Apple - 63
Soup - 200
Hot chocolate - 40
Honey (natural laxative apparently!) - 100 throughout day
Cabbage leaves - 200
Broccoli - 30

Total at 17.34 = 933.

Fine - good even for a day away. I get hungry later, maybe have some more veg or an apple or something.

*Edit* Add on some more porridge (I suppose it should really be gruel for how watery I make it in the evenings!! Still, more water intake and only 2 tsps of oats = good right?) and some more honey for it's good effects. Maybe 100?

Weigh-in Day

I hve started weighing myself in the mornings which may be more accurate (as it's before drinking but after peeing).

Today.... 127.4!!



That's 9 stone 1!! Lower than expected (given that nope, no BM yet!! And I started my period early). I'm planning on basically the same food day today since I made enough yesterday to do so. I did snack yesterday but it was on cooked cabbage which I'll make into a soup maybe tomorrow.


:) Hope your weigh-ins go well ladies!!!!!!!! xoxo

Tasty AND Healthy. Love it!

Right so lunch was this soup with chorizo and butter beans - filling and low cal, freaking awesome. It was about 200 cals I worked out, I'm overestimating slightly I think, but better that way than if I miss something!! And 40 for hot chocolate.

I've made stuffed cabbage leaves (like vine leaves - yum Greek food! Cinnamon too for that extra metabolism boost!) for dinner, they're in the oven now. Worked those out at 50 cals a pop, so approx 200 for dinner. Woo!! Will add some veggies to that I think, brocolli (30) and peas (60 ish). Super tasty!!!!

Day's total will hopefully be 799. Giving me leeway if I feel the need for anything else but I don't *have* to if I don't want to. Food is merely fuel, food cannot make a person happy - this is my latest life cycle. That way, if I can assimilate it into my way of thinking, I will never get fat and I will only eat what my body needs and I will not binge/eat loads/feel guilty for eating "bad" foods.

Tomorrow morning is my weigh-in which I'll post to RayRay when I've done it. I'm quite hopeful of a loss, given Friday's weight but also (and sorry if this is TMI) I've not had a BM since Friday so I'm a lil worried!! I have been eating loads of vegetables so I don't know what's gone wrong!!!! I don't want to take non-natural laxatives... oh well, if my weight is over what I'm expecting, I can use that. I've tried hard to be consistent this week, so fingers crossed!!

Blog love!!

Thankyou for your comments!! They really helped, honest. Turns out my period started (several days early... even though I'm on the pill??) so the moods maybe caused by that.

Today - I got my porridge (but with honey eek) and apple and then had a decaff cappucino with soy milk from Caffe Nero. Per drink, according to the website, that's only 36 cals. And I didn't even finish it (although did have most, so will count it anyways). Today so far - 269. I want to keep it low today, I have plans for an interesting dinner (stuffed cabbage leaves) so will probably make up a soup for lunch.

xoxo

Warning - depressed type rant

So dinner was a kind of stew made with barley and not much meat (maybe 300?? It wasn't a big portion) and two more watery bowls of porridge with honey (200). Total so far = 1065 which I must remember is not too bad.

I've been feeling pretty down today (which is why I broke my lent rule of only porridge at breakfast. It's ok, it's not like I feel "oh that's done now may as well go for broke!!"). Everything is so much, college is so much work, I've got no energy (and I've not even gone to the gym recently to use that as an excuse), some of my friends are being utterly shite and I just feel like I want to cry a lot of the time. There's a reason why models aren't my thinspo - it's because my skeleton itself could not be rail thin. I've accepted that I'm a pear-shape. I've got skinny arms and no boobs at all. I know I'm not hugely OVERweight, but I just want my thighs (and perhaps my disgusting flabby bum/hips) to slim down or tone up or something. How can other people think I'm thin when yes, my arms and top half are quite bony but my legs are carrot-shaped pieces of fat? With fucking cellulite?! Guys prefer skinny girls (they claim they don't but how many skinny girls do you see without boyfriends? Does it stop Paris, Nicole, models etc?) so it's no freaking wonder I've not got anyone chasing me right now? I've been sodding single for literally years now, with male interest being minor-to-none in the last year.

And everyone thinks I'm ok because if I do moan in real life, it's only ever about one thing at a time. I'm the one people lean on. I just couldn't let all this out, I'm always fine and positive!!

I'll stop moaning now. I'm satiated. I suppose I should do some work. On the plus side, when I'm feeling down/stressed, I do usually lose weight, so I could use that as an excuse as to why I'm losing.

I was planning on putting up some photos but I don't even want to take any right now. Sorry, noone needs to see a fat and sad girl.

One eye behind my back

I think my friends are getting a little suspicious/worried. I ended up not going to the gym today to placate them. Luckily I avoided eating extras with them. Still today has gone ok, standard porridge and apple starter combo, with soup for lunch. I needed something a little more than then 325 cals so I've had a bowl of watery watery porridge with marmalade in. Around 100 cals. So 425. And no gym. But better no gym than to have to explain myself! xoxo

*Edit* I did eat another bowl of watery stuff (but with honey) and am having a hot chocolate. So I'm on 565 before dinner! Booooo!!! But I did weigh myself this morning (I think I do have a problem as regards weighing myself.) and I was 128.0!! So high hopes for Sunday morning's weigh in!!

Thursday rush about!

Good afternoon!! I woke up and oh my God, my abs are killing me from the pilates class I went to yesterday. Must have done something, right? That said, the thought of going to the gym is a horrendous one. I have too much work on today to contemplate going too. Boo.

Today, as per usual!! Porridge, apple, hot chocolate (243). I cycled into town, it's soo cold out there! Lunch was that soup (122) and some soy yoghurt and honey (approx 100. I couldn't go vegan I'm afraid, I know that several of you are, but I love honey too much!). 466 so far today.

Tonight I'm planning salmon with curry paste, stirfried vegetables and maybe some noodles/rice. Should be a nice healthy dinner and at around 385 cals (if I eat it all), leads to a day's total of 851. Hmm, bet I could get an extra hot chocolate in there this afternoon (40 cals a piece... a girl's gotta have what a girl's gotta have, and my period is due next week...)


*Edit* OK, so the dinner was about right and I didn't have a hot chocolate but I did eat soy yog with honey. Finished the pot though so no more!! Day's total so far = 951. Still pretty pleased!! My aim is to eat below 1200 and not too far below 800. I get cold too easily to eat less than that!!

But why blog?

I was actually thinking - with R Harlow B's fab post on "reasons to be thin" - what other people's reasons were for blogging? Personally, I find it's totally cathartic. I can get off my chest the things I can't for fear of people accusing me of being ana.

You guys are also so supportive. You have so many tips and are so motivational!! I was a reader long before I became a blogger

Also my blog is a place where I can put down exactly what I eat and it's not easily found... what if I wrote it down and someone found the paper? They'd just be like "Oh but you're not eating enough at all!" when really it's clearly what I need to maintain/lose a little weight. Otherwise I'd literally be dead, no? And of course, weight loss is meant to be increased if you keep a food diary ;)

So hit me back - why do you blog? Stay skinny!

129.2!

I weighed myself this morning, despite telling myself I wouldn't... doh!! Oh well, I was down to 129.2, so all is well. Morning weigh-ins are sooo much better. No more weight until SUNDAY!!

Just figuring out today. Breakfast - porridge, apple as per usual (203). Wednesday is thick yummy hot chocolate day, I'm probably overestimating at 250. Lunch - cup veggies (100?? Again, overestimate).

Just making up a chunky soup for dinner (I'm going to blend half and then add it back) - canned tomatoes (88), mince beef (125g = 150cals), onion (28), stock (12), leeks (30), sweet potato (100), 3 small carrots (60), half a pepper (20). 488 in all. But that should make approx 3-4 servings. It includes chilli too, spicy = super good for metabolism!! 162 cals if I do 3 servings, 122 if 4. I want some for lunch tomorrow too.

I'll probably have some soy yog/grapes/honey later - maybe in a smoothie? Oooh that would be good!! Leaving today's total at around 915 maybe. Pretty good. Depends on soup portions but only makes a diff of 40 cals.

I also tried out pilates for the first time - I was soo bad at it!! I did approx 50 mins, she told me my core stab was so not in control. Ahhhh. I'd probably have done better if I'd just gone to the gym!! Apparently it burns approx 255 cals per hour - so apparently I burnt 212. But half that (thanks for the tip girls!!!).

:(

Lunch - braised vegetables (approx 68 according to the recipe), soya yog and honey (100). And I'm contemplating the rest of that Nakd bar.... 536 up to that point.


All my plans for the gym and for working totally failed due to what felt like a freaking migraine (ok, I am almost definitely overexaggerating becaue I could still see etc but it was a bad headache), so I went to bed. I made myself some homemade pizza, using up the rest of the cheese (well, most of... I threw the rest away!!) and tomato sauce, and one fewer slice of chorizo. I also had about a cup of frozen grapes (60 is for a cup of non-frozen, so I'll use that).

So no gym. At all. And a calorie total of 1054. I'm going back to bed, I feel miserable.

And yes Lolly, I am a UK resident!!!! Could you not tell? Lol.

Guilty?

So last night I diiid end up eating half a Nakd bar - 125 cals approx. But I also did exercise in my room. Not loads, and no way enough to burn it off but still good.

Today is pretty much the same as always!! Porridge (140), apple(67), hot choc mid morning (40) = 247. We might be going out later this week and I want to look good, so I'll have to up my rate at the gym today!

Stay strong ladies. Your blogs are so inspiring, I could never do the fasts or as much exercise as you do!!


Email from TescoDiets lead to an article about keeping a food diary and it doubling weight loss. That's effectively what we're doing with the blogs!!

Totally worried about homemade pizza. Oh, and Thinspo!

I made a mini-pizza.... no way near as bad as a bought one, in fact, more like a single slice of a Dominos. Base made from 50g rice flour - 200cals at least. Half a can of canned toms (60), half-fat cheese (at least 150), 4 slices chorizo (64), caramelised onion (20+25).

How amazing are frozen grapes? Seriously have to eat those sloooowly and they taste amazing! I had 6, so that's probably negative cals - 18cals for normal grapes anyways.

Total for the day - 975. Thank God that's under 1000, but I bet my saturated fat level is through the roof. Chorizo is a weakness of mine but I was worried about my lack of protein. I'll probably have the same dinner tomorrow (poss without the onion though!!), cos I made enough sauce for two, and I have to use up my other pizza base.

And I've not gone to the gym either. I was so cold after going outside that I had to heat up, and the thought of leaving the house again made me practically cry. MOTIVATION!!!! I think I'll do some circuits in my room tonight.

I found these clips of 4 anorexic girls from Supersize vs SuperSkinny. OMG, looking at what went into the korma made me never want to eat korma again!!! I always get a tomato based curry anyways...

On this link, 5:13 is where it starts. This is the attitudes towards exercise of the four girls. (See the start of the link for the operation on the fatty).

And on this one, it's at time 1:35 for the making of the korma. UGH.

I do feel really sorry for these girls - they can't see that they're soooo thin (particularly the Bolton one, I think it's Rebecca... she thinks she's curvy but she has skinny curves not fatty ones!!!).

Monday - Lunch

Cabbage soup with tiny bit of half-fat cheese (was worried about protein intake so maybe 130?) and red cabbage with sweet chilli sauce (25). Yummm.

Kinda had to have another hot chocolate - 40 cals is not bad and boy, am I light-headed!! Totally needed some sugar in my system. I have a Nakd bar (as recommended by A Head Full Of Beauty - whose site, btw, I can no longer access? Even though she wrote a post not long ago?), but I wanna save that for a meal. They're meant to be really filling and healthy, as they're basically compressed fruit and oats (like a solid smoothie). And they're raw too.

Total so far (pre-gym) - 438. I know for some of you girlies that's like a bad day, but for me, I think this is good. I don't want to mess up my metabolism forever, you know? I'm just a little paranoid!!

Is posting 3 times a day a little extreme? I won't be able to keep up with it cos I'm about to have a crazy couple of weeks.

Monday - Food Shopping

Last night's weigh-in was 130.6, so even if I took it at night, it's still an improvement!! My aims for the week is to not weigh myself UNTIL next Sunday morning. I think I'll be so busy until then that I won't be able to!!

Today so far, I've had my usual porridge and apple (203 together) and a cup of hot chocolate (Highlights = 40 cals). Bought a jar today to help with any chocolate cravings I get - foodshopping earlier was a bit crave central but I always take a list with me!! I'm planning on the rest of the cabbage soup for lunch and also making it to an aerobics class. If I don't make it, I'll go to the gym anyway and work out. Maybe I should take a magazine or something to read? I always end up focussing on the calories burnt/time remaining and apparently that's not good? Particularly since calories burnt is overestimated anyways!

When food shopping, I mostly picked up vegetables, with some ham and tuna (protein!! I read R Harlow B's post on water weight, which was amazingly useful!!) and more apples. I'm also going to try out the frozen grapes thing too.

129.6... I knew this several hours ago!

Is it better to weigh self in morning or in the evening? I did weigh myself this morning when dehydrated - I was 129.6. Or is it better to carry on as I've been doing, and weighing on Sunday evening?

This may or may not have something to do with me eating cabbage and brocolli with mustard/sweet chilli sauce after dinner. I now feel sooo bloated. Must remember, the weight is probably just the fibre of the cabbage.... doesn't stop my jeans cutting into my hips though, does it?!

For the SBC I think I'll go with this morning's weight. I'll weigh myself later anyway and edit this post and put it below.

The Sunday Plan

OK small soup with low-fat cheese grated on it (so maybe 130), another apple (63) and a bit of sugar (100). I'm planning on a 100 ca curry-type dinner just like the other night, with a smidge of chutney (50).

Should all go to plan, that'll be 936. No gym... again! I am toootally working out tomorrow. And bet I binge on sugar tonight.... though might try the cabbage thing again!! Hope RayRay waits a couple of hours so I can be part of the Spring Break Challenge too!! Not that I think I'm down from last week.

Sunday Schmunday

I like having Sunday as a bit of a day away - I let myself have 2 bowls of porridge this morning (one with a tsp of marmalade and one with some honey) and a baked apple (microwaved, with honey and cinnamon). It sort of covers lunch too, although I'm expecting to have some of my soup later too. I did have a mini binge on marmalade out of the jar, but I think it probably stays quite low...

Porridge x 2 - 280 (!)
Marmalade - 100?
Honey - 50
Apple - 63

Total - 493. It's ok, it's Sunday time... weigh in this evening, eeeeeek!! Must remember it's only been 5 days, and I went up to 133 in that time. Keep head in the game.

Broked

Well given how cold I was today, sticking at the 913 wasnt going to happen (I predicted it wouldn't!!). Still, 1.5 carrots with the homemade hoummous (30 + 73) and two small bowls of cabbage, one with mustard and one with sweet chilli sauce have curbed the cravings!! So we're up to approx 1050. That'll do. I really don't want to be toooo restrictive, just want to lose a bit of weight really! Weigh-in is tomorrow evening, although I was thinking about having Sundays as a less strict day... we shall see!! If I get up really late then the body won't even want 3 meals.

Is there a way of keeping low cals but not reducing down vitamins too much? I'm a coeliac, so I can't eat or drink most meal replacements, and they seem kinda expensive. Also OBVIOUS!!!!

ON track?

On top of today's 270 we have:

noodles - 195 (I'm not no-carb!! Don't see how it's ever good for you. And Dr. Atkins died obese...)
thai veg curry - 1/3 can coconut milk (250!! Oh dear), brocolli (20), onion (10), peas (35), thai green paste (20?)
chutney - 50
apple - 63 (it says 63 on bag of apples, why didn't I check there first?!?)


= 913

If I binge tonight on anything, it'd sort of have to be cabbage (stirfried up with a bit of sweet chilli sauce) given I have no other food. Should probably go buy some stuff soon, I've only got porridge (which I've banned myself from apart from as a breakfast cereal), homemade frozen meals and tomorrow's meals.

I am a failure

I got up late, so no gym. And I didn't skip lunch. I was hungry!! I did make a soup though, potato and cabbage, with approx 130 per serving. Breakfast was porridge with water, 140. I still feel like a fat cow though, my stomach is massive and I'm hating my weakness for not going to the gym. Why am I so motivated to lose weight in the evening but I'm so weak-willed at actually doing anything about it? Arghhhhh need motivation. Harlow has put up the best ana list ever, and it's got loads of suggestions....

You might notice I don't post much about drinks - that's because I mostly drink green tea and water. Trust me, I'd be honest with me putting calorific drinks up!!

I'm off to seek motivation...

Friday's Party

Ahhh damn - ended up making the no fat brownies (without eggs... meant they were gooey) and turning them into truffley type things, but I made like 40, so they were approx 20 cals each. Shame I ate a fair few, along with sweets and olives and cheese/pineapple sticks. We're talking retro. Still I don't think I went over 500, leaving the day at still sub 1200. I'll go to the gym tomorrow morning and maybe skip lunch. We'll see.

Ugh, I feel fat. I felt thin before I went!!!

No-fat brownie

I looked at the low number of cals and figured as a test of my not-binging, i would make something to take to friend's house. I've made a no-fat brownie (and didn't even eat much mixture, maybe 50 cals worth? Up to 623 I think), from this recipe. However, I had no eggs, so used arrowroot starch and water. I think I'll also cut it up into mini pieces, so that other people eat it all. If I can get away with only one piece, maybe that'll be another 50 cals? It's pretty low on cals anyway.

Friday Food

I had a hot choclate- finished off my low-cal hot choc to get t out of the way. So that's like 70 cals.

Dinner was a chickpea and sweet potato curry type thing. Spicy = boosts metabolism! Low carb, I think. I made 3 portions.

1/3 small sweet potato - 30
1/3 small onion - 10
Cauliflower - 15
Cabbage - 15
1/3 of 1/2 can chickpeas - approx 20
tomato puree - like 10?
Chutney (love it...) - 50

Total per portion - 150 (that seems very low, given it was quite voluminous. Good!!).

Total for the day = 534.

I think this means I can have an apple, leading to 584. And will be GOOD at friend's house. Will not binge on chocolate!!!!!!!!!!!

Third Day, Friday

Rushing about leads to Celia only eating a bowl of porridge for breafast this morning!! So 140 there... I also made my own hoummous with no oil, just water, chickpeas, pepper and lemon blended together. Obviously it's not quite as good as the shop-bought stuff but sooo many fewer cals. Used half a can and ate half, so hoummous is approx 70. And stir fried veg for lunch so hopefully we're not too high so far today... I'm going rounf to a friend's this evening so I'm going to have to watch myself. She always has chocolate/sweets/snacky things on hand.

Porridge 140
Hoummous 70
Carrot - 25
Small onion - 20
Cabbage (white and purple) - 15
Tsp honey - 30
Tsp sweet chilli sauce - 14

Today so far - 314. I can't make it to the gym again today (or tomorrow!) which sucks ass but I'm at least rushing about!!!

Day 2 Part 2

Dinner stayed being pretty low - I had a home-made red lentil dhal curry. I always use minimal oil (that Fry Lite stuff is amazing!!!), which I estimate at around 250 cals, one teaspoon of chutney at maybe 30 cals and 2/3-3/4 rice noodles at 150 cals. So today's total is 757. Which given I didn't go to the gym, I'm pretty pleased with. It was also sooo cold (and I spent a lot of time outside shivering).

Lulu, nightly binges (in fact, binging on whatever is in my kitchen!!) are also a bit of a problem for me, but if I eat after a certain time, I have issues sleeping. And I emptied my cupboard of a lot of binge-type foods... since my aim is to not binge, I'm not going to dammit!! Stay strong... I recently read the mantra "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels"! Trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind.

Day 2

Started off almost exactly the same (I don't really feel the need for variety in my diet, and can't afford to do so anyway!). But no gym - I cycled a lot around town and I had an extra class which I'd forgotten about.

Food
Porridge 140
Apple - 50? Anyone know apples? I keep getting mixed ideas on how many one has!
Nuts/cranberries (now finished!) - 150
Vegetable cup - 100
Low cal hot choc - 37

Total pre-dinner = 327. Awesome - just going to make a low cal dinner and keep it going!

Day 1 Dinner

Thought I'd blog this before I go out! I had a vegetable stir fry, one v small onion (20) fried with a tsp of honey (30) and a tsp sweet chilli sauce (14). Add 5 florets of brocolli (20), half a sweet red pepper (15) and some cabbage (12??), serve with one small portion of rice noodles (195 but I am looking to decreased this in the future). Total = 306 meaning a daily total (hopefully!!) of 1096 although I think I overestimated the lunch. It'll all balance out somehow with the gym and the dancing...

Day 1 Part 1

The day started off quite well, food is below.

Porridge with water - 150?
Small apple - 40?
Approx 1 cup of cauliflower/carrot/pepper (raw) - 100?
One hot choc (v rich!!) - 250?
Nuts and cranberry - 150
Total = 690

I've not had dinner yet. And I did make it to the gym midday, which was awesome, I had so much more energy than normally in the afternoon!! I might do this again. Said it burnt approx 350 cal so let's say it burnt off the hot chocolate!! And we're going out tonight so that should be a good few hours of dancing, particularly since I don't drink!

I foolishly weighed myself last night - won't do this again until Sunday, my official weigh-in day because it's too depressing. I'd gained 2lbs? How? Stupid binging yesterday, but no more!! I will stay strong!

Pre-Lenting

I seem to have taken this "final day" thing quite seriously - I just ate a lot of pancakes and cheese sauce (not together - ew) and golden syrup. At least I used practically fat-free milk and half-fat cheese. Ughhh. No calorie counting today!!

I made it to the gym today though!! Only cross-trainered it for 25 minutes, but it's been a while and it felt good. I was next to quite a chubby girl, but she was on it for longer (I respect her dedication). Need to get competitive with it all...

ANYWAY no more binging, no more eating out of the jars. BRING IT ON!!!

Lyric-spiration

Heh, just listened to Bob Dylan "The loser now will be later to win". That's exactly right, no?

So it starts...

I'm a little nervous in setting this up because I'm worried about what it means for my mental health. Nevertheless I'm doing it - more of a "keep up to date" thing, I can't write this stuff down, surely someone would find it??

It would ruin my life if people knew quite how much I thought about my diet and weight and food. I love cooking and baking. I don't think I'm ana, and I'm certainly not a purger (so not mia) but I reckon there's an EDNOS in there somewhere. I just want to be in control.

With lent starting tomorrow (I'm not Christian but what an excuse!) I figured I'd cut some things out. I want to stop binging - if I bake, I binge, because it's there and I generally bake things I can eat (I have a couple of allergies). I eat out of the jar/packet (gross but true - peanut butter, honey, jam, sugar, syrup, I've done it all). And I want to stop this.

I'm afraid of fat people. Classic thinspo doesn't work for me, but show me a picture of a fattie and I'm off to the gym.

Also, I need to keep going to the gym! I've not been for about a month and I am feeling like a fatty, even though I just lost a couple of pounds due to stress....

I figure if I have a blog, I can comment on other people's Skinny Blogs and perhaps get some support from the beautiful community out there.



My digits - CW - 131.2lbs (always weigh in evenings, don't know why!)
HW - 150lbs (2005 - blame going away to college)
LW - 127lbs (I was ill for a while...)
GW - 125lbs (short-term - to be reevaluated as we go. BMI of 18.5)
Height - 5 foot 9


So my Lent Challenge - go to gym 4 times a week, give up binging and eating out of the jar and lose 6lbs. That's what, 1lb a week, which is totally doable. Wish me luck!!