Frustrated

How can this be? I calorie count compulsively, consume between 1100 and 1600 cals per day (in aid of not hitting starvation mode), with the days where I consume are generally when I'm going to the gym, building up my running (I ran for 22 minutes today, this is nothing compared to many of you but I am deeply unfit). Yet still, I gain weight. I took my measurements after my gym session - 35-28-39. 39 inches around my hips? Really? I was 37 6 months ago!

I went to the doctors about changes to my bowel movements (I've always, despite having the "perfect" diet for it, been constipated, but now there's mucus and it's gross) and they asked me lots of questions...

Doctors
"Have you been losing weight?" - No, I've actually been gaining it despite trying to lose it and..
"OK, next question"


Seriously, isn't the fact that I've come in a few times about weight increasing and it's STILL happening a bad thing? I know that's not quite what you're looking for (ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease...) but pay attention!! I'm not stupid, I'm not shovelling my face with fast food, I'm not inactive and I'm eating a healthy range of foods! FFS!


Bottom of it is, I'm having blood tests to see if there's anything up with my system. I'm fairly sure they'll come back negative.


Since I'm leaving the country for a couple of months, I shall be socialising somewhat this week. GAH it always involves food! On the plus side - travelling = vomiting and diarrhoea and not able to eat when it's too hot and weight loss. Surely?

139.4

So being trapped due to the volcano meant I ate rubbish for a week (we're talking chocolate crunchy cakes and Dairy Milk Caramel... I don't even LIKE dairy milk chocolate!). Still, luckily I'd had a week of 1200, so I still lost slightly. God, my weight is atrocious, how have I gained since restarting the blog? Oh wait, I know, socialising and circumstances. DAMMIT.

It's become clear to me that I won't lose 10lbs in less than 2 weeks. I have started running in the gym (and going to the gym) again though, so that's a good sign. And having eaten a pile of crap for the last week has made me really really crave healthy food.

Herbal Medicine

Well, calories have been at around 1200 for the past two days and 950 for today, assuming I don't eat any more. I should be fine - I went to a herbal shop and bought two types of constipation relief (psyllium husk tablets and some weird fruit cubes). Of which I have had 3 fruit cubes (they recommend starting on a half and not going above one but my body is weirrrd) and 2 of the tablets. I now hvae a stomach ache. It had better not stop me watching Supersize vs Super Skinny, which is on in half an hour...

140.0

So I hardly exercised at home but kept cal intake to approx 1500 per day. Which given my obese-levels of consumption at Christmas/when revising, is not bad.

Nevertheless, I see 140.0 on the scales this morning. I was hoping to lose a few pounds at best, and maintain at worst. But a gain? Foolishly, I forgot on one day to take my pill, meaning that my overly erratic menstrual cycle kicked in and I've been on my period since. So I'm hoping it's that, rather than anything else.

New aim - 900 cals per day. Let's shock this bad boy body into action!

I have a short-term aim - I need to tone up and lose some weight by 21st April. So that's 10 days to lose. Big big big night out. Also, as I said before, I want to be at least 130 if not lower by 5th May. GAH I don't know if that's possible!

138.8

So Sunday's binge has been reduced by lots of walking, some workouts and eating less in the past 3 days than I did on that one day. Exactly the same weight. Right, so in 10 days time I need to be less. Like 5lbs less. In front of parents? Not easy. I've never lost that much weight that quickly. I shall go down as much as possible.

Good luck! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels - and by skinny, I mean the feeling of jutting hipbones. YES. We can get through this Easter! Reject that chocolate! Keep moving!

Froyo is awesome!

Well, it helps to have someone else to motivate you (by motivating themselves as well!). Flatmate and I did a fitness DVD workout, and ate not lots and made a healthy lentil stew for lunch tomorrow and calculated the calories.

I then went out for drinks and coffee with various people. To which I walked. 4.5 miles which could have been on the Underground. Score.

I did have some frozen yoghurt, because I didn't have dinner and it's low fat, low sugar, low cal. Snog in Covent Garden = expensive but SO GOOD. And infinitely better than any other crap I could have eaten.

753 calories for the day. I would say that's a win, particularly with the exercise.


Only problem - I'm off to the parents' tomorrow, where I shall not be updating or reading other blogs for at least 10 days. I shall also have trouble restricting/exercising too much. Send me lucky vibes, I need this! It'll be 1- days of "Oh you're looking well" (IE "you're looking FAT"). I want to look thin, so that people say "Oh you don't need to lose any weight, please eat!".

Solid

OK so today went well - 1000 cals pretty much exactly consumed. This is despite making cake and biscuits for the family (biscuits were crap so I threw them!). I am pleased with myself. Healthy dinner as well, lentils, fish, courgette and then a pear. I even did an exercise DVD with my flatmate.

Of course, it *is* Supersize vs SuperSkinny on in 40 minutes, which automatically means I want to eat more healthily... but I still think this is good.

I shall weigh in on Thursday morning, as I will be heading home to the parents' house. I then have 10 days away. In which I aim to lose, hard as it may be. Bring it. Ideally by then I shall be 134lbs at least. Fingers crossed!

Note to self - specific targets are good. 1000 cals is good.

Take a trip down to Binge City

So Sunday wound up being a humongous day of calories (I don't even know but it was over 2000), but I started again today, slowly and surely, 1000 cals. It helps, going to evening events and physically not being able to eat most of the food on offer (glass of OJ, some spears of asparagus, a couple of prawns.

Problem with evening events (or not) is when there are girls there who are taller and thinner than you. Then you really have a problem and feel bad about your usually less podgy body, just going through a fat phase, thankyou.

At some point I have to bake a cake to take home with me. I'll use the ingredients that I've got but I'll tell the family that it's got wheat in it. That means I won't eat it!

So tomorrow, day by day, aim by aim... eat 1000 cals max. DO IT.

Physically Sick

I hate how socialising always involves food. I'm assuming that the afternoon tea I ate yesterday was approx 1000 cals and the rest of the day was about 500. Which is not bad since I had to but I felt physically sick for most of the day and STILL ate in the evening.

138.0 on Saturday morning, 138.8 on Sunday. Makes no sense. I'm so fat these days. Just massive.

Off for Sunday lunch today. Again, socialising (different group of people). Will try to walk home and go to the gym. Will also go for no gravy, yorkshire puddings (I can't! Wheat wheat wheat) and no roast potatoes. Alternatively, if there's a salad on offer, I'd love it.

I have let myself go

I have. My course (now over, thank GOD) is over. Exams and revision and strrress and celebrating took its toll.

I now weigh approx 140 pounds. FUCK! How the hell can I gain that much? How can I gain so much without there being a medical problem (I checked. My thyroid is fine. I was hoping for the underactive thyroid so much, as wrong as that is)? How can I gain so much when I can't eat wheat and don't drink alcohol? I will weigh in properly tomorrow morning and gain some measurements.


I hate this. I hate it. Hence return. I don't know how much I will be able to blog. But I need to become accountable. I've been counting calories. Apparently 1500 per day does nothing for me. This weekend will be a struggle (afternoon tea tomorrow with a group and then a roast on Sunday. Thankfully I can avoid gravy and yorkshire puddings due to wheat and I shall just not have roast potatoes). Then I am off for a week and then bam. I have a month before going travelling. I shall lose then, for sure, btu I don't want to be a fatty before I go.



What I need is for food to cease mattering. For it to become a fuel, to not be a "treat". For me to stop when I am full. I can do this, I've done it before.

Confusion

Hunger is fat leaving the body.



In the past few months I have been uber busy. Usually this means I lose weight. I maintained at approx 127. Until last weekend. Saturday morning, 127.6 (not ideal but alright). Sunday morning 130.0. Monday morning 132.6. WTF? My sis was down and I ate a loooad including an afternoon tea of gigantic proportions but 5lbs?


Even weirder - Saturday morning THIS weekend - 129.6 (not the 5lb gain, not good but not as bad as I thought). Sunday morning 131.6. And I made cakes but didn't eat loads (ate some instead of lunch).


I've given up on trying to understand my body's foibles.

Day 3

I forget the days and don't have time to check it... it's 2pm, and I've just had lunch, so I've not had lunch at 11.30 (I had a class). Today has been better, I was so happy yesterday evening and it really helps with weight!! Weighed 127.2 this morning so it's not as bad as I'd feared so far. As you can tell, the "not weighing self every day" is going SO well.

Today, porridge (150), soya caramel macchiato (150), salad (260), so 560. I'm hoping to remain under 1000 today. Yesterday I managed about 1200, as there were frosted cupcakes at the event I went to, and I ended up just eating frosting off about 4 cupcakes. I do love M&S sushi, although they've got a lot of healthy food, which I approve very much of.

Still got no laptop. FAIL.

This weekend may be a fail as I'm off away to a friend's bday. Hopefully getting my dance on though.

Failing?

I feel like I'm failing

My laptop is broken, so no blogging. Work is busy - I'm studying a lot, which leads to hunger.

Today - porridge (150), salad (150), chocolate (400 probs), cappucino (70). 770 is huge before a dinner, what am I doing? At least when I bake, I give out to lots of people.

I guess this is why I managed to gain like 4 lbs in 4 days - admittedly this was an evening weight after eating my ass in baking.

I must get back on the horse. When I have no money (so, er, now then), I won't be able to buy food (like mid-afternoon chocolate). And if I drink fizzy drinks (soda water and lime! Diet Coke!!) throughout my "dinner" time, I don't get hungry.

The mad thing is that when I do get hungry, it's not for anything in particular. There's no food that I really want, there's nothing really. Food is fuel (love that frame of mind). If I can just stay here, I'll be happy. It's been about 2 weeks like this.

Plan for the rest of the day = sushi from M&S. I can get a low cal small one. I wouldn't eat but I'm eating with a friend.


I do not expect to see a loss this week. I will have to weigh on Saturday as I'm away for the weekend. I will probably not even be the weight I was this time last week. Oh 126, please be mine.

Re-start. Day 1

SO Bank Holiday weekend in the UK was a bit of a write off. Whilst I didn't eat meals on Sunday, I did make A LOT of cake. LOTS. With a friend. Which involved sampling. Luckily, I started feeling sick part way through, so I couldn't eat any more. I also ate about 500g of butternut squash, which I know isn't high in cals (partic roasted with FryLite oil) - is about 200 cals, but it's still bulk and I still FELT big. Ugh.

So re-starting. Back on the VB diet where possible. new aims - do not eat more than 2 bowls of porridge in a row. Do not add honey to porridge. Try to do some exercise which isn't just walking. *sigh*. It's my own fault for weighing in last night, when the scales read 130.8. WTF? 4lbs in a day and a half? Crazy. Maybe it's water weight, I do drink a lot.

Day 22

Weighed in a day early because I thought today may be a bad one. Victoria Beckham knows what she's doing!! I had a photo shoot, so wanted to be lower... and saw 126.4 this morning. Even with cheating a lot this week and not really following the diet, I lost 2 lbs. OK, so I know it's a lot of bloat from pre-period stuff, but can I get a hell yes?

I'll weigh in tomorrow but I've eaten quite a lot today (porridge - 150, carrot - 30, 5 (yes, 5! Spread out) cereal bars - 550, yoghurt raisins - 200, snackajacks - 80), 1010 compared with my recent low low intake of 600s ish, so I'm not expecting it to be any lower tomorrow. I'm also off out for non-alcoholic cocktails tonight!! I did see my top half looking particularly slim in the photos, so I was quite pleased. Still look v wide in the hip area though, but I'm not sure I can do a lot about that.

How are things with you, my lovelies?

Day 20

So after last night's disaster (admittedly and expected disaster - will explain), today I woke up with a fake hangover - I don't drink but I had a headache and stomach ache... ugh.

Crisps. And chocolate raisins. And curry. And people who I like but who I don't know particularly well. So lots was consumed, I don't really want to think about the calories. I've been punished enough for it today with the way I felt. Has anyone else had that? Where you eat really healthily for a while, then when you end up eating v fatty food, your body rejects it massively? I will have to think again for next time we have a social.

Onto today - started off with a smoothie (beetroot, carrot, apple, celery, honey, cinnamon and cocoa powder - approx 170 per serving), had strawberries (50), peas (50), lettuce and carrot (30) followed by a Starbucks trip. I went for a soy cappucino with sugar free hazelnut syrup (70). Which put me at 370. Good. Got hungry at 4.30pm, ignored it, drank water, it stopped. Great. Didn't feel well on way home, good, so didn't eat. Until I felt like I should eat. So I had some porridge. I've weighed it out, I had about 100g of oats overall, made with water and sweetened with honey - so maybe 500 cals?

Putting today's total at 870.

Good, yes, but doesn't really balance out yesterday. Or the day before. But it's not with my VB diet (ie Victoria Beckham!!), which is meant to be solely strawberries, lettuce, edamame (I've been using peas) and steamed fish (I have yet to eat any fish). Lots of herbal and green tea is meant to be consumed. Again, I've not had the facilities to do this, so I've just been drinking A LOT of water.

I've varied this quite a lot - added blueberries, carrots and other low cal veg and stuck with porridge. As you can see, not really stuck to it. I've got 2 days of doing this before I will probably have to eat something else (a friend, who also has a few food issues, and I are going to have a bake fest so I can teach her how to bake, then we're going to give out what we make to friends and colleagues on a big trip without eating it ourselves. Cunning.). I can't see why my weight wouldn't go down in this time, but I don't hold out much hope for the Sunday weigh in. I bet I end up weighing much more than my mid-week 126.4, though I'd love to see that number again. On that note, I did finally have a BM today (it's been about 5 days) but not enough again. Hopefully tomorrow or Saturday...

Day 19

So I weighed myself this morning despite not meaning to do it all week, but I was feeling slimmer. Srre enough, 126.4 sparkled at me from the scales. Hooray for period bloat going down a few days in.

This is despite the chilli, rice and tarta yesterday.

Today, I have felt like it's a loss. A chocolate and caramel Rice Krispy Squares shone at me with its gold gleaming promises of tasty goodness. At 151 cals though, it's one of the better buys in the college shop. I'm having a curry tonight, I like the spicy ones so it should boost my metabolism a bit. Since I don't drink, no alcohol, and there'll be lots of dancing, to make up for my lack of gymming.

Then we shall return to the peas-strawberries-lettuce-fish of the VB diet. For 3 days at least.

I shall return.

Day 18

My flatmate knows I'm a little weight-obsessed... but we're both on this VB diet thing so I think it's ok. I did so well yesterday, tonight I knew was going to be worse since I had a couple of girls over for dinner and we ate this lovely Dime Bar Tarta.

Cals

Porridge (200)

Green tea iced drink with orange (50)

Strawberries and Blueberries (60)

Peas (50)

Carrot (30)

Lettuce

Chilli (250)

Rice (125)

Tarta (600)

1355. Could have been much worse!! Tomorrow will be quite bad with the curry night out, but I plan to drink a lot of diet coke which will fill me up massively.

I probably won't update for a couple of days, but I will get to commenting soon, I will!!! I'm also thinking about weighing myself this evening as I do feel quite light - haven't had a BM in a while though but am now on period so my water weight *should* have reduced. I know I shouldn't weigh in, but I want to, now, before the big big night out.

Day 17 - GOOD!

OK I am finding it tough to comment on other blogs when am on flatmate's laptop, so I'm being a bit quiet... she's gone to bed for now though, so I can quickly post before I head!

Day 1 of "The VB Diet" - porridge for breakfast (200 at most), strawberries (40), peas (50), lettuce (0 surely?), carrot (30), celery (10), couple of chips (20), two Britvic drinks (250). So that's 590. Pretty freaking sweet.

Admittedly, this was partly because I went to an event in the evening and drank a lot of diet coke and water. And I was told a story involving a Mars Bar and the lady place and felt really sick afterwards (story was after the couple of chips). Whatever works. I'm pleased with that. Rock on. Had I been at home, I'd have got hungry and eaten more.

I can't be as good tomorrow, as expected, since I'm having a couple of girls over for dinner and girly chats - this is clearly going to involve chocolate. I'm making a lentil chilli so will get some spices going at least. If I start off the day like I've done today though, I think that's acceptable. I'm not willing to sacrifice friendships, I'll just be a little careful.

Hope you're all staying strong, I miss reading your blogs (I will! I promise! When I get onto the library computers and don't have other people around me).

Day 16?

I've lost count. This has to be short, as I'm using flatmate's computer

Being ill helped me I think, but not loads. I'm currently weighing in at 128.4 (today is weigh in day) making that 1lb since starting 2 weeks ago. Not ideal but better than it could be.

I suppose that even though I didn't eat much yesterday, I didn't have any BMs (in comparison to Friday when I was ill in the morning, then fine all day until 11pm when I had the world's worst stomach ache)

G2G